Friday, March 16, 2007

Breaking: Khlaid Sheikh Mohammaed Confesses to Fathering Anna Nicole's Baby

Possibly the only thing that pisses me off more than Khlaid Sheik Mohammed's plot to kill Jimmy Carter is his purported murder of Daniel Pearl.

From the transcript:
"I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan. For those who would like to confirm, there are pictures of me on the Internet holding his head."

First of all, he totally loses all credibility by invoking the internet. "If you want proof, look it up on the internet?" Oh hells, no, that's where dipshit wackos like him get their information. Thanks, but really, no. Moreover, he's fucking up any hope the internets had for becoming a credible source. In this sense, he's ten trillion times worse than all those asshole little high school kids who are making crystal meth out of decongestants, and thereby ruining Nyquil1 for those of us who have legitimate colds. Now what are we supposed to do? He's not just a murdering maniac, he's a nuisance. The more people who follow this nutjob, the fewer people there are who trust the goodness of the Wikipedia. Do you really want to live in that kind of society?

For reals, it's time to stop blaming the Jews. It's just so tired and lacks any originality whatsoever. I don't even care anymore about the insidiousness of the implications, it's just sooooooooo last century. And the century before, and before, and before. I mena, didn't Zola already clear this up a few centuries ago? Move on, and let's eat some delicious potato latkes. If KSM is the criminal mastermind he would like us to believe he is, he's gonna need to come up with a much better accusation. Like Daniel Pearl had weapons of mass destruction or something. That one seems to go over pretty well with the peoples.

Since KSM does such a piss-poor job of playing the criminal mastermind, I find a lot of what he confesses hard to believe. They seem like the semi-coherent ramblings of a poorly written Inspector Gadget villain. I mean, did you read everything he confessed to? I'm pretty sure it included the 9/11 bombings, sinking the USS Monitor, burning Washington in 1814, shooting Abraham Lincoln, kidnapping JonBenet, bombing Pearl Harbor, and producing American Idol. And yes, I do believe he did infer he fathered Anna Nicole's, Britney's, and yes, even Angelina Jolie's adopted babies.

If I were in charge of the internets, I would replace every picture of KSM with one of Daniel Pearl. Partly because Pearl was H-O-TTT, but more so because Pearl is the hero and martyr here, not KSM. The richest, most wonderful part of this is that all the banal braggadocio displayed by KSM simply serves to highlight the integrity and grace Daniel Pearl exhibited in his death. Maybe this is why I'm not a journalist, but had that been me, I would have snivelled and soiled myself. Pearl approached his death with more aplomb and badassdefiance than even MacGyver could have shown. "The men guarding Danny spoke very limited English. He couldn't communicate with them or they with him. I suppose that's why they didn't notice what he was doing with his fingers when they took Polaroids of him—flashing a victory sign to us with one hand, shooting the bird to them with the other." Truly the world is a better place for Pearl's having lived in it. Not to mention that he also raised the general good looks of the population. My deepest condolences to his family.

Finally, the award for Most Insensitive Headline of the Week goes to's
"Khalid Sheikh Mohammed's arrest leaves al-Qaida without its head." Klassy!

1. Let me contextualize really quickly, in case no one told you. The decongestant in many major cold medicines is often used to make crystal meth. Therefore, drugstores have been putting medicines with this ingredient behind the counter. Rather than have its product removed from the shelves, Vicks, the makers of Nyquil, changed the formula so it no longer contains that decongestant. But they didn't tell anyone, so that anyone who had the evil death cold that's making its way round the country found no relief from their longtime trusted friend, which is essentially now just 180 proof licorice-tasting syrup. So if you see your kid with a gym bag full of Sudafed, smack him really, really hard for me.


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