Apostatastic

When I was a little girl, my Catholic parents taught me to pray whenever shit went down. It never really worked for me, as the words seemed archaic, stilted and irrelevant to whatever I was going through. However, recently, someone very dear to me went through a period of great distress and turmoil: the sad iPod icon came onto his iPod. I knew that in a situation like this, the only thing to do was to offer my heartfelt prayer.

Psalm 23 for iPod:
Steve Jobs is my shepherd; I shall not want anything except for my iPod. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me to listen to the Still Waters by Jim White. 3 He restoreth my battery charge: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for Bon Jovi's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of sad iPod icons, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy dock and thy cable they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a playlist before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with over 5,000 songs; my gigabytes runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and opaque white apples shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of iTunes for ever.