Killer White Substance to Strike DC!!!!!

In Washington, DC, for days, even weeks, we have been living a hedonistic lifestyle with mild-weather days of fifty degrees and light fleece jackets without so much as a hat or mittens. Caught up in the times, some people have even taken to wearing flip-flops. The doomsday naysayers of weather forecasting, namely, Punxsutawney Phil, warned us that the good times wouldn't last forever. That someday, caught up in our insouciant disregard for proper layering, we would be caught unawares and perhaps without a heavy enough jacket.

And now the time is near. They're coming. The Killer Death Flakes.

Tomorrow, accoring to capitalweather.com, a "substantial snowstorm" will wreak havoc on our nation's capital. According to weather.com, a "major snowstorm" will wallop our area with 2-4 INCHES OF SNOW(which may actually be rain)!!!!!!! In a show of some of the finest journalism so far this year, this has been translated by the Washington Post as 5-10 inches. And the worst part is, Philadelphia, two hours away, might get snow, too!!!!

Here in our nation's capital, we handle snow with the same grace, dignity and aplomb as we handle terrorist threats, which is to say, none. We prefer fear, shock, and awe to address our nation's weather.

Denizens of DC, we must be prepared to avoid another Katrina. Stock up on toilet paper, batteries and duct tape, euthanize your pets (sorry kitty!) and get the fuck out of town! Unfortunately, getting out of town at this point leaves you with four options: west or north, where the Killer Death Flakes will have already ravaged the country, south, where people are way too into chickens for my taste, or east, into the ocean.

Looks like it's time to bust out the flippers and a Schlitz malt liquor to ease the pain.