Friday, October 06, 2006

The Goo Report

See, there are peeps out there as neurotically pedantic as I. This is the best vindication ever.

So what happened to the kid when Cheney's goons arrested Daddy? Can trauma to the kid be involved in the lawsuit? Also, wouldn't that be the best excuse for not practicing the piano? I would have used it.

Wait, so cheerleader rock is not preparing youth for the future? Pipettes and Go! Team, you have let me down. Or else Joel Stein is a tool.

Speaking of tools- sorry to speak ill of the dead, but really, peoples. Have a little more taste.

I'm so happy muffin top is finally being recognized as legit.

Full disclosure: The only reason I really care about global warming is cuz of the polar bears. And I only care about the polar bears because my childhood stuffy, Joe Bear, is a polar bear. Once upon a time, he looked like this: Considering the years of abuse he went through at the behest of my brothers (true story- once they ripped a hole underneath his tail so that he would be anatomically correct. I was the only kid in school whose teddy had an asshole), saving the earth is the least I can do for his peoples.

Babies. Toupees. 'Nough said.

Molly Ivin's Dildo Diaries
. Hee! The anus is not defined as a sexual orifice, so butt plugs are totally ok, which means whatever gay dudes are doing is not sex, therefore, not a crime, and therefore not a problem. Unless Texas is now enacting a no gay not-sex law. This reminds me of the time my Dad was arrested falsely for murder (There are a lot of Dennis R. Kelleys in the Chicago metropolitan area). In any case, he was obvs not a murderer, and had the arrest record expunged. He was then going to sue to get the $ and court costs back (apparently, it's kinda pricey to be arrested for murder), but he couldn't sue because there was no record of the arrest. So, just like you can't sue for an arrest that never legally happened, you can't have sex in an orifice that isn't sexual. Ewwwwww, I just put an anecdote about my Dad in the same paragraph as butt not-sex. That sound you just heard was my Dad rolling over in his grave.

Moving on. A few weeks ago, we reported that breast implants will make you want to kill yourself. But they'll also save your life so that you can be in charge of your own destiny, from how you look to when you die. Woohoo!

Melvin Gibstein: classy, classy guy.


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