Thursday, May 17, 2007


An epic battle is being waged in the forests of Winchester, Virginia.

No, it is not the age old battle between shark and man.
Nor is it the battle for Sabertoothed Jackelope supremacy.
It is not Tyrannosaur's1 painful battle with acne.
It is not even the battle for proper pronunciation.
You see, survival has been, is, and always will be a way of life in the animal kingdom. You don't believe me? Check it:
Don't ask me how Tyrannosaurus's weensy little hand reached all the way over to Titanosaurus's belly; why there isn't a herd of Titanosauri behind that one, anything about the height ratio, and good lord knows we shouldn't mention anything about Titanosaurus's extraordinarily powerful tail. All of these are unimportant minutiae of evolution. There is a clear winner here. It is the carnivore, simply because he's the carnivore. That's what you get for eating your veggies, kids.

Don't believe me? Carnivore always wins, as we learned from "The Conquering Carnivore":
On her deathbed, Apatosaurus shed a bloody tear.
A few other details were left out of the explanations at DINOSAURLAND!!! Apparently, being a carnivore also provides one with a freakishly long tongue, since Tyrannosaurus can only wave his appendages uselessly in the general direction of his quarry.
Alas, we may never know why Triceratops kept busy sniffing Tyrannosaurus's butt rather than assisting in his compatriot's goring of the Conquering Carnivore.

Nor will we ever know why Woody Woodpeckersaurus is so shocked by his freakishly large hands.
But we do know, that given a gift shop, models, and ample time, all evolved beings will stop to recreate the epic battle.

1.Seriously, they call that thing a Tyrannosaurus.


Blogger The Insider said...

seriously, I almost cried laughing reading this at work today. and by that, I mean I cracked a smile. my favorite is the battle for proper pronunciation, followed by the butt sniffing triceratops

11:30 AM  

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