PIRG Prigs

You know why I refuse to donate any money to PIRG, Save the Children, or Greenpeace? Because of the canvassers. As the weather gets nicer, the canvassers, not unlike vermin, come out in droves, making the four-block walk between the two ends of the Dupont metro a veritable gauntlet of guilt.

True story: a week or so ago, I literally had a run-in with a PIRG canvasser as I was trying to get to the DMV to get a new license before I had to get on the road for the two hour drive to physical therapy. The license-getting, while admittedly was probably doomed from the get-go, was a perfectly timed operation, with little room for failure - or canvassers.

Canvasshole: Do you have a moment to save the environment?
Goo: Sorry, not right now; I'm running late.
Canvasshole, blocking the Goo's path to the DMV: Why do you hate the environment? It's people like you who are responsible for the proliferation of global warming.

To be fair, 65% of the canvassers are earnest kids trying to make a difference in the world. But it's the other 35% of obnoxious, pompous douchebags that curdle my blood. Now, on a normal day, I would take this opportunity to engage in some verbal sparring with the li'l whippersnapper; there's nothing I love more than breaking the soul of a young idealist ¹ . First, I like to point out that their direct mail campaigns, which I have never signed up to be a part of, are not exactly earth-friendly in terms of the amount of paper they generate. Then I like to shut them down by pointing out that with all the people trying to get honest information about global warming, their aggressive tactics to guilt people into saving the earth are as detrimental as the tactics that have alienated the pro-choice movement into the polemic shitstorm it has become. But I needed to get to the DMV, so I went with simple eloquence.

Goo: I don't hate the environment; I hate you, you little shit.

And this is when the canvasser grabbed my arm.

Canvasshole: Do you really think that's necessary?

Goo: Augh! Bad touch! Bad touch! No touching, no touching! Augh, I'm so angry; I'm gonna go home and blog about you!

And that's when the canvasser finally stepped back, looking aghast, understanding the magnitude of what had just occurred. Apparently the blog is mightier than the s-word.




1. For those of you who don't know, PIRG is essentially a cult for environmentalists- they aggressively recruit bright college graduates, then pay them next to nothing to go out for 18-hour days and raise money door-to-door for the organization, not unlike Jehovah's witnesses (who, in my experience, are much nicer to talk to). They call them "fellowships", and after a few years of suffering through this, some of them get promoted to do actual work. While PIRG has had many successful campaigns in terms of advocating for the environment, it's an awful, abusive lifestyle, and they can hardly call themselves a truly progressive organization, which would take into account quality of living.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that several of my favorite people, including the Object of my Affection, were formerly PIRG employees.