My Almost K-Fed-Ex

I used to make my former roommate's cat sing about her lovely kitty humps. An obese, bossy, and extremely chatty princess of a cat, she was the creature in nature most closely related to Fergie. Recently, the Object has taken to singing the Alanis Morrisette cover, flaunting the invisible junk hanging off of his 6'3", 165 lb. trunk and casting vague threats that if I don't treat him right, he will start some drama.

Somebody's gonna lose a braid.