How in the Hell Do You Play Chess?

Chess is among the many games that I have never quite grasped the rules to. Not for their complexity or difficulty to grasp, but because, like most games I played growing up, my brother cheated and taught me the rules wrong so that they would win. I still can't play checkers without swiping the pieces from the board and crying, "I HATE this game, and I HATE YOU!!!!!."

I still hold out hope for chess, though, which is how I found myself at Tryst last night, drinking watery Rioja and trying to hold my own against The Object, another self-professed chess loser. In a stunning upset, where I was clearly winning (I had eight of his pieces- pretty significant ones, too, and he had four of mine) and would checkmate him in three moves, he called checkmate. It was true. So I swiped the pieces from the board and, tears running down my cheeks, cried, "I HATE this game and I HATE YOU!!!!" I'm lucky The Object is as magnanimous and understanding as he is. He took me home, made Annie mac (the whole wheat kind that I can eat!) and put me to bed.

So my question to all of you out there in blogland is, seriously, how the hell do you play chess. Here's what I know about the game: how the pieces move, and that you should control the center of the board. I don't necessarily know what you do to fully control the center, other than moving a lot of pieces there, or what you do after that. So bring on the strategy and hints. I lost to The Object at Risk last week, and my reputation is going down the drain. Help!