Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Don't Spray It

I think the people of DC woke up a little more aggressive than usual this morning. On my walk to the bus stop, an SUV drove straight into an emergency vehicle flashing its lights and sounding the siren. The ambulance's axle broke, so it had to stay there in the middle of 16th street, blocking two lanes of traffic.

What? Who is in such a hurry that they can't let an EMT get by? It was just about the most avoidable accident ever. And of course, the driver of the SUV was indignant and self-righteous, leading to a lot of head shaking and shouting from passersby on 16th street.

Then I got on the bus, only to find out first hand why Metro doesn't allow people to eat on the bus. Metro, in their infinite and woefully underfunded wisdom, seeing that the buses on 16th street are constantly packed to capacity and often have to drive by lines of people at the bus stop, has recently taken to putting the oldest, most poorly designed buses on this route- they have much narrower aisles and fewer seats, but are just right for stoking the embers already overfueled tempers. In short, it's a powderkeg waiting to blow.

I sat in one of the last seats available. A young woman- about my age, but who had spent a lot more time on her hair and make-up (not to her benefit) stood over me, chomping on a pita with hummus and olives on top. For the sake of clarity, we'll call this woman Stinky McSpasmo.

Ewwwwww, olives.

An older woman sitting next to me asked Stinky McSpasmo to please stop eating over her. Stinky replied that since the driver hadn't said anything to her, this woman had no authority telling her to stop eating, and so she was going to eat. Of course, this degenerated into the standard "Metro's gonna arrest you". Stinky McSpasmo did not like this little old woman speaking the truth and started to get very exercised, proclaiming that this woman had no right to boss me around; she was just a stupid old woman; I'm not bothering anyone. Normally, I stay out of these things- I prefer to blog about them later, rather than be a spoon to stir up trouble. However, as Stinky was railing on this woman, she was still eating, so that her words were punctuated by hummus and olive-y spittle- all over me.

EEWWWWWWWWWWWW! Olives spat on me! Double huzzz.

I told her just to stop eating and shut her Stinky McSpasmo hole, since she was spraying flecks of breakfast all over me. Ugh.

That apparently was too much to ask, and Stinky McSpasmo flew into a huffy rage, yelling and wildly gesticulating. Keep in mind that we're on a moving and extremely crowded bus. At the next stop, several people de-bussed(if we can have de-train, then we can sure as hell have de-bus), leaving room in the aisle in the back of the bus. As several new people boarded and the bus driver asked people to step to the back of the bus, Stinky McSpasmo was still spittling away. So someone shoved her and took her pita and threw it down. It was a fantastic moment in militant pedestrianism. In any case, a shoving fight ensued, and the bus driver threw Stinky McSpasmo off the bus, which simply made my morning.

Oh schadenfreude, how I love thee!


Anonymous GQ said...

Dude, that's so awesome.

4:07 AM  

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