BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!

GRAVE THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY! MAN LOOKING FOR OTHER % CANS OF HIS SIX PACK! EVACUATE THE CITY IMMEDIATELY!

I was running by the White House (it's about a mile from my house) and the secret service shooed me away. I protested, since I'm not just some stupid tourist standing on the wrong side of the metro escalator. Those police were NOT ok with that, bu the way. I was definitely escorted back across the street, with the other tourist riff-raff. Whatevs, I kept on running, and I noticed a whole bunch of hazmat trucks racing towards the White House. "Whoa, shite must be going down," I thought (and ran faster in the other direction).

So I get home and check it out. I'm expecting to see my roommate glued to the t.v., watching breaking news of a terrorist attack. She was completely nonplussed, watching the Braves game (yeah, I have no idea on that one, either). So I scoured the news, looking for answers- white powder, Al Quaeda, Cheney shot someone again- something.

Well, something. Check it- from CNN.com:

Intruder arrested on White House grounds

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- An unarmed man penetrated the White House fence on Sunday, screaming incoherently at security guards who pulled their guns and subdued him.

The bearded intruder, wearing ragged clothes and looking distraught, made his way several dozen yards onto the White House grounds before guards surrounded him, forced him down and dragged him away.

President Bush was inside the executive mansion at the time.

What? Incoherent? Distraught? Several dozen yards? He had a beard???? Clearly, a terrorist.

Americans, I don't feel safe anymore. Clearly, our national security is deeply threatened. The most disturbing part of the whole affair:



That's right. This raving lunatic wants God to Bless America. See how crazy and disheveled he looks? Look at how that belt buckle is slightly off-center!

I think it may be time to move. I just don't feel safe anymore.