Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Metro Rules!

From the DCist archives today, a set of unofficial metro rules. Even if you don't live in DC, but you take any sort of mass transit, you should come to know and love these rules.

Highlights of my favorite rules from the comments section:

  • When a train is full ... it is full. There is nothing that you can do about it. Physics is not going to cease to exist just so you can get on this train. There is another one directly behind it. You know who you are ... and no one likes you. Feel free to hip check those people outside of the train doors just as they are closing.
  • Leave the bars that go from the floor to the ceiling for those people who are too short to reach the ones up top. Otherwise be prepared for someone to fall into you.
  • Shower. Lose weight. Brush teeth. Repeat.
  • If you live in or near the nation's capitol, ride the Metro and for some reason like to complain about tourists and out-of-towners to no end, please either (a) shut up or (b) move to a city that doesn't attract tourists. D.C. was this way before you arrived and will be so long after you leave. Your whining and complaining is not new. We've heard it before and we think you are arrogant and ignorant.
  • Hey, M. People do complain about tourists, but at least some of us are being pro-active in deterring them from coming here. Instead of yelling at your fellow area residents, why don't you get off your ass and make with the stank eye at some out-of-towners. They aren't going to discourage themselves!
  • No smoking on Metrobus, unless it's the 42 bus with that lady driver who smokes.

  • The back seats on Metro cars smell funny for a reason. They are priority seating for crackheads. Please don't be so rude as to take these seats when there are crackheads sitting or standing elsewhere on the train.

  • Don't stare at me by looking at my reflection in the window. I know what you're up to.

  • DO NOT STOP AT THE TOP OF ESCALATORS! People can't stop moving behind you and it just ends up becoming one disasterous, dangerous accordion of Metro travelers.
To all these rules, I have to add my own most important rule ever of all time:

  • Never, EVER, touch your genital region in any way when I am sitting next to you. Double true if there are children around, you fucking Pervy McPerverson (this happened last week, and I actually called the guy out, "Dude, can you stop touching your genitals until after you get off the train?" He got off the train.)


Blogger K-Slice said...

miss kelly,
you are positively one of the funniest people i get to read everyday!!
even though you are a deomcratic party hipster. i forgive you considering i sually end up laughing like mad after visiting poofy goo.

3:58 AM  

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