The Goo Report

In honor of National Poetry Awareness Month, this week's Goo is dedicated to Frank O'Hara. Alright, this isn't really news at all, but I just learned it yesterday and have been dying to share. It turns out that the poet, composer and erstwhile roommate of Edward Gorey died. Actually, about forty or so years ago. But we're more concerned with how he died: while he was napping on the beach at Fire Island, a dune buggy ran over him. So sad. Stop snickering!

Anyhoo, onto The Goo:

Wanna lose weight? Try drugs!

Another sad victim of the Euro.

What surprises me about this report is that the kids didn't take credit for having the porn.

"'I've become a born-again Christian and God has given me a stewardship of his money,' Swafford said in an earlier interview. Before winning the lottery, Swofford impregnated two co-workers and married one of them. The women were sisters." Do you really need to know more?

Last week, the Goo reported on police detaining innocent ninjas. It appears that we've gone one step lower; police are reduced to having standoffs with imaginary criminals.

Pop Rocks have been around for fifty years!

Turns out the reason you didn't get any candy this year is because the Easter Bunny was in jail.

This is SOOOO much better than the Jessica/Britney thing.

As if you needed another reason to fear fish...

If only there were a comparable solution for Metro.

I'm not sure if this is much better than slipping grades.

And finally, this one is for all you kids out there who are dog and cat people.