Don't Tread On Me!

Oh hellz no.

Yeah, Atlanta got their panda cub, woo to the hoo. We're all very happy for their jumping on the bandwagon more than a year late. But get your own cultural obsession, ok? This kind of shit will not stand:

S. O'BRIEN: Some big baby news to tell you about out of Atlanta this morning. The zoo there is celebrating the arrival of its first panda cub. Listen.

Yes, that's squeaking. That's little Butterstick 2.0. Remember the first Butterstick (INAUDIBLE)?

M. O'BRIEN: Yes, we do. There you can actually get a pretty good view there.

S. O'BRIEN: Yes, you really see the mom. But the baby, she's moving her head. You can see the baby a little bit. The mother's name is Lun Lun. She was in labor for 35 hours. Bummer. That is the longest labor recorded for a panda. And as tradition goes, they're going to wait 100 days before they name the panda. I bet the zoo's going to have a big old contest for that.

M. O'BRIEN: Oh, yes. and in Atlanta, probably hi yall, you think that? Just a thought.

S. O'BRIEN: No.

M. O'BRIEN: No.

S. O'BRIEN: I'm sure it won't be. Of course, 100 days, that means they expect the baby's actually going to survive and it also apparently takes a while to figure out if it's a little female butterstick or a little male butterstick.

M. O'BRIEN: Or could it be margarine? You don't know.

S. O'BRIEN: Stop it, please.

No, no, no. Butterstick, not butterstick. Capital B. Proper noun. Maybe you tools at CNN get confused, what with having the same name as each other and all, but even an idiot with the I.Q. of a morning talk show host can figure out that that there is only one stick of buttery panda goodness, and he lives in our nation's capital, representing all that is good and true about America. Which is why we're giving him back to China. The Zoo calls it diplomacy; economists call it cutesourcing.

In any case, because it seems that they need a little help in the originality department, here is a list of things that weigh 2 ounces, the size of a newborn panda:

• Ball of Yarn
  
• Tumor
• Bowel Movement
• Small Bottle of Tabasco
• Filled Hypodermic Needle
• Bullet