A Wintertime Wish

Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But my mohair hat with a fleece earband, earmuffs, camisole, thermal undershirt, wool sweater, two scarves, fleece gloves under wool mittens, fleece longjohns, fleece bra, wool legwarmers, and fleece socks under wool socks are so delightful,
So as long as it's fucking cold,
Let it snow, let it snow, for the love of GOD, let it snow!

Ahhhh, you can take the Goo out of Chicago, but you can't take the Chicago out of the Goo. I love this weather. It makes me feel refreshed, alert, focused, and energized(and apparently, not a little more bubbly and annoying than usual). But I'm convinced that winter and snow are nature's Adderall.

The Object doesn't like to wear a hat in the wintertime, since he's worried it will mess up the arrangement of his "carelessly" tousled moptop, but feels free to whine about how frigidly cold he feels. I see a LOT of the peoples here in DC similarly dressed improperly for the cold weather, and their mewing about the cold baffles me. It's not like summer, where the only way to escape the oppressive heat is either to find a beach or to duck into a building so overly air-conditioned that you need the same clothes you're not wearing in winter. PUT ON A HAT, YOU NITWITS ! I mean, which looks worse- flat hair or frostbite?

The worst, though, are the women who leave huge sections of their legs and/or midriff exposed, so as not to ruin the "sexiness" of their outfits. I mean, I'm no connoisseur, but I'm pretty sure there are no titty or weenis magazines dedicated to goosepimples or blue skin on the living. It's just not attractive by any stretch of the imagination.

Let's think about this logically- if everyone wore dressed for the weather, not only would it cut down on the amount of bitching and moaning I have to listen to from you whinging babies with your testicles all shrivelled up in your pancreas (n.b. if this is happening to you, put on some goddamn underroos! Alternately, you could upgrade to genitals that neatly tuck themselves inside. But I will grant that balls are not evidence of intelligent design), but it would lower the hair standard for all of society! Then, we could keep ourselves even cozier by beating to a senseless pulp the one or two fluffy haired Vanity Smurfs left traipsing around. Ahhhhh, there's no glow warmer than the glow of an angry, rioting mob. It kinda makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over just thinking about it.

Now go put on some longjohns and quit yer bitching, or else you'll scare away the Snow!