Monday, January 14, 2008

I'd Forget I Was a Lobbyist, Too

The Object: Barack is gonna win Nevada and South Carolina because of me. Michigan, too; I don't care if he's not on the ballot.

The Goo: How do you figure?

The Object: Because John Kerry sent me an email telling me to donate, and it had a button to click, so I did, and now Barack will win the nomination because of my $25.

The Goo: Well, you should feel mighty proud of yourself; you've done a good and great work.

A little while later...

The Goo: Wait a minute!! Aren't you a registered lobbyist? Are you sure you can donate? And if you're not registered, how can you lobby?

The Object: Uh-oh, I guess I am a registered lobbyist. I don't even consider myself one, so I missed the fine print that says "I swear I'm not a federal lobbyist."

The Goo: How very Mitt Romney of you.

The Object: Look, if Barack wants to send my money back, he's more than welcome to. It was 25 bucks from a 26 year-old kid who works for [a bunch of treehuggers trying to save the polar bears from drowning]. Not exactly the sort of lobbyist that most Americans think of as having a stranglehold on American politics. How much influence does $25 buy nowadays, anyways?

The Goo: I'm just saying, if Barack loses because of you, you're in big trouble, McAbramoff.

The Object: By law, I'm only allowed to spend 20% of my time lobbying, so technically, only 5 dollars of the donation is dirty money.

The Goo: You're gonna get us both killed. Wolf Blitzer will find out, and he will personally come and throw Molotov cocktails through our apartment windows because he will be so upset that you sullied the good name of his precious and perfect candidate.

The Object: Does this mean I can't volunteer to work on the campaign, either?

The Goo: Probably not. But I hear there's a Senator in Alaska who wants you to buy him a bridge.


Anonymous Chris Chan said...

I remember that during the 1996 campaign one magazine wanted to check out how well the candidates scrutinized their donations. They sent out three $100 checks with made-up organization names. Bob Dole and Ross Perot returned their "Pedophiles for Bob Dole" and "Anti-Semites for Perot" checks uncashed. Bill Clinton cashed his "Convicted Rapists for Clinton" check and presumably used it for his campaign.

(NOTE: These fake donation names may not be entirely accurate regarding what was actually used, due to some gaps in my memory, but they're pretty close.)

10:16 PM  
Blogger The Goo said...

I thought that was an urban legend.

I'll keep you posted if the Object gets the check back... but sometimes he forgets to keep me posted. maybe I'll just be in charge of the mail for a while.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

If the object does get arrested and got to jail along with you, can i have his cams?

4:06 PM  

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