Fatty McButterpantsTuesday

Last night I saw a commercial announcing that a product called "water" was not good for you because it had 160 calories in a bottle. I was so pleased - until they started shilling another product they referred to as a healthier "water" since it had only 25 calories in a bottle.

GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAURGH!

Let me spell this out clearly, O Makers and Purveyors of Water:

WATER DOES NOT HAVE CALORIES.

It is sick, twisted, irresponsible, and just plain mean to put a SOFT DRINK on the market and tout it as healthy water. And to do so in a nation where two-thirds of people are overweight is beyond fucked up; it's sociopathic. The product you a marketing is a no more water than Kraft Singles are cheese. You are selling FAKE NON-WATER PRODUCT.

Every single fuckwad that went into the creation and marketing of Fake Non-Water Product, and every single fat cat now reaping a profit on Fake Non-Water Product should be forced to gain fifty pounds and then have to lose it without any help from nutritionists, dieticians trainers, pills, surgery or any other dieting assistance. They should have to lose the weight while enjoying only their product to quaff their thirst. And they should have to do it with a cadre of older brother/family asshole types who ask you if you're "porking up" any time he or she approaches a refrigerator.

As for you the rest of you, America, if you're going to be getting fat by drinking beverages with dubious claims to health, it had goddamn well better be because you're practicing for the milk bet.