There Will Be Puking

True story: my prom theme was "Titanic."

I think there was some sort of message our educators were trying to foist on our impressionable young minds as we prepared to go on to Bigger and Better Things, but I can't recall what I was supposed to glean from the experience. Maybe that love can and should die by the end of the movie/high school? Or perhaps it was some kind of metaphor about high school being a sinking ship and that it was ok to push anyone out of our way in the quest to survive the icy depths of the University of Illinois, where we were expected to attend and achieve Great Things that would reflect well on our alma mater to justify the price of exorbitant real estate taxes? Jeez, if that's the stuff my educational system was coming up with, it's no wonder I'm incapable of crafting a decent metaphor.

It doesn't much matter, since I wasn't really paying attention to what I was supposed to learn from the experience; I was just stoked about the prospect that in the course of just one evening, I could be so lucky as to guzzle some beer, make out with a cute guy, smoke some shitty pot (oregano), ruin a handmade dress, and puke over the side of a boat. Alas, things didn't pan out quite that well. I probably should have guessed that when my date showed up an hour and a half late in a 1986 Pontiac, at which point, my father, four of my five older brothers, and the father of the kids I baby-sat for two doors down all lined up to grill my date. My mother just stayed in the corner and prayed the rosary for my soul.

That was just the beginning. It got worse, involving equally disturbing drug overdoses (not mine, fools) and mosquito bites (those were mine; oh, the humanity!). It's worth noting that my date, a boy I'd been dating for about a month (five years in teenager time), had the class not to dump me until the next day.

The good news is that, as a society, in just ten short years, we have made significant progress in the advancement of prom themes; today's youths can contrive a memory through a whole host of the latest pop culture prom themes. I might even go back for a chance to wrap my arms around that special someone, dancing under the twinkle of the disco ball to Johnny Greenwood's mesmerizing score. Oh yes, There Will Be Prom:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have traveled across half our state to be here at your prom this evening. I had some outstanding PE credits that I had to see to at Coyote Hills High. When I tell you that I am your Prom King, you will know that it is true. I am a family man and I will be a family Prom King. This is my date and partner, H.W. I can guarantee you that I will begin dancing by no later than the tenth song. No other Prom King and Queen can make you that promise. Let's say, you have a prom date, and I have a prom date, and my arm reaches across the gym, and it starts to dance with your prom date. I dance with your prom date! We dance all night!