Thursday, April 13, 2006

I STILL Maintain I'm Not Blonde

The other day Wonkette accused me of being the yupsteriest twenty-something hipster in all of DC. Just because I wanted to go hang out at the DC Bee. Normally, I protest such easy categorizations, but the vehemence of the name calling made me wonder- am I a hipster?

No fucking way.

But I devised this little test, with questions from The Hipster Handbook, provided here with my answers, so you can see how I'm too unique to belong to a genre:

1. You graduated from a liberal arts school whose football team hasn't won a game since the Reagan Administration. To be fair, my alma mater, Lawrence University, was a liberal arts college. But I'm pretty sure this one doesn't apply to me since the football team hasn't won a game since the Nixon administration. So that's a no.

2. You frequently use the term "postmodern" (or its commonly used variation, pomo) as an adjective, noun, and verb. Only when provoked, as in this conversation I had on Tuesday night about Jincy Willett's Winner of the National Book Award:
Big Teddy the LSAT Guy: So the author is totally rocking the meta-narrative?
Poofygoo: Yeah, but she doesn't make it sound too pomo, it's just sort of snuck in.
So that's kind of a no.

3. You carry a shoulder strap messenger bag and at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed Elvis Costello glasses. HA! Today I left my messenger bag at home. I'm carrying my mini-messenger bag. And my glasses aren't horn-rimmed, they're tortoiseshell. So that's a no.

4. You have refined taste and consider yourself exceptionally cultured, but have one pop vice that helps to define you as well rounded. I suppose that depends on your definition of "well-rounded"- but the good news is that between indie punk shows, literary readings at the Warehouse Theater, Monday's dart nights at Bedrock Billiards, reading blogs, climbing rocks, and watching Project Runway, I think I'm very in tune with my many pop vices. It's all about redefining what pop culture actually means. So that's a no.

5. You have kissed someone of the same gender and often bring it up in casual conversation. Well, sure, being hetero-flexible is one of the things they teach you in liberal arts college. But, as studying for the LSAT has taught us, logic says that we haven't established the premise that all people who go to liberal arts college are hipsters. We have only established that all people who attended college at a liberal arts school that hasn't won a game since the Reagan admin are hipsters, and we have established that all people who attended liberal arts college are taught to kiss someone of the same gender and bring it up in casual conversation, so the conclusions that kissing someone of the same gender leads to being a hipster is therefore invalid. So that's a no.

6. You spend much o your leisure time in bars and restaurants with monosyllabic names like Plant, Bound, and Shine. Hey! I have to eat at Tryst- they don't people who make less than $65K other side of Connecticut Avenue. So that's a no, because I don't have a choice.

7. You bought your dishes and checkered tablecloth at a thrift store to be kitschy and often throw vegetarian dinner parties. No, I bought my dishes at the thrift store because I don't have any money to buy dishes. So that's a no.

8. You have one Republican friend whom you describe as "my one Republican friend". Well, yes, that's James Curry, but I have another friend whom I suspect is secretly Republican, so technically, that's a no.

9. You wish you had less disposable income to increase your street cred. Hellz no! Although I would take money from any hipster who wishes this.

10. You enjoy complaining about gentrification, even though you are responsible for it yourself. Loaded question! Unfair! I'm white and I live in the city, of course some people will think I'm responsible for gentrification. But then why is my black landlord moving out of the neighborhood to raise her kids in a better area? There are those who say it's not even an issue of race, but rather socioeconomics. I disagree, I think it's a combination. Hmmm. I say no on this one.

11. Your hair looks best unwashed and you position your head on your pillow at night in a way that will really maximize your cowlicks. I position my head on my pillow to maximize my sleeping. So that's a no.

12. You feel one of your most life-changing experiences was the time you studied abroad in a developing country. No, I feel that two of the most life-changing experiences I had was when I studied abroad twice in two different developing countries.

13. You own records put out by Matador, DFA, Definitive Jux, Dischord, Warp, Smells Like Records, and Drag City. No, my ipod has albums on it put out by Asthmatic Kitty, Kill Rock Stars, FatCat, French Kiss, and Sub Pop. So no.

14. You write a blog and often refer to "the blogoshpere". Ummmmm... But at least I hate the word blogosphere. I prefer "bloggy". So that's a half no.

15. You regularly attend protests for your favorite causes, like saving whales, snails, and how to hug a tree better. No, I can't go to these because I used up all my personal time at work sleeping off hangovers from indie pop concerts. So that's a no.

16. Your t-shirts are close-fitting and ironic. Well, my tight blue t-shirt that says "Lawrence Lucky Charms" is coincidental, not ironic. How many people who bought that shirt from Urban Outfitters can say that?

17. Your car has more than 100,000 miles on it and bumper stickers from your favorite concerts and outdoor extreme sports adventures. I don't even own a car. I put those stickers on my refrigerator.

18. You are originally from the Midwest, but immigrated to the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn. No, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, which takes place in 1930's Williamsburg, is one of my favorite books.

You throw the devil sign in photos —even at weddings. Especially at weddings. No, I throw the Blood sign at weddings.

You could, if really drunk, explain when it is and when it is
not appropriate to dance at a concert. If not drunk enough, you will trash the person asking you to explain this. No, I get bloggy about it the morning after.

You hid a Jimmy Eat World CD under your bed before your friends came over
. Ummmm, NO! I swear, I have no idea how that got there.

I think from this test, we can clearly see that I'm not a hipster. Thank you for your time, and thank you to Andrew Womack, Robert Lanham, and Scourge of the Swimming Pool, all of who may or may not have knowingly contributed to this post.


Blogger Alex said...

dude, hipster ≠ yupster

4:10 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

though the hipster handbook, despite being woefully out of date, makes the point for me

also i called the bee istelf the yindiest thing ever -- in this fucking city you'd be lucky to crack the top 20

4:13 PM  
Blogger rock_ninja said...

Your exact words:



4:20 PM  

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