Monday, October 30, 2006

Why Don't You Just Give Them Eggs?


A headline popped up in my little google "we are watching everything you do and to distract you from the frightening implications of that, check out this article" window above my e-mail:

Ten Fun Alternatives To Halloween Candy


Seriously? You know what happens to people who skimp on the goods in my Columbia Heights neighborhood? Those people have guns. And can you blame them? These are people's childhoods you're messing with, About.com. If this list were a little more grounded in reality, it would read like this:

Ten Fun Things to Give Out to Inspire Creative Vandalism Your Neighborhood

  1. Spider rings- will be a lovely detail on the bag of poop that will be flaming on your doorstep tomorrow
  2. Vampire teeth- will be superglued onto Fido's teeth
  3. Way cool Halloween stickers- will look way cool speckled on your windsheild
  4. Party favor sunglasses- will be used in next year's Halloween Costume, "Stingy Next-Door Neighbor"
  5. Small cans of playdoh- will be used to create small, brightly colored effigy of you
  6. Noisemakers- will inspire a three a.m. kazoo band jam session outside your window
  7. Pencils with Halloween erasers- will be obselete tomorrow
  8. Halloween bouncy balls- will be whipped at your child until he is bruised and broken into admitting that his parents are the biggest douchebags in the tri-county area
  9. Temporary tattoos- will be be applied to your front door in a less-than-temporary fashion
  10. Small bottles of bubbles- will be doused over the toilet paper that will adorn your trees i the morning, making it that much more difficult to clean
So the lesson? Get out now and buy your Halloween candy- it will save the value of your home. Bonus points if you form a neighborhood association so that you don't have the same your neighbors are giving out.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you just plain ignorant, or are you aware of the obesity epidemic in this country? Back in our day in age, when you could give candy to kids, you knew that they would run it off. Kids got exercise. Now, kids lead such an inactive lifestyle, so giving them candy just isn't conductive anymore. Yeah, let's give them candy, or better yet, let's just go ahead and give them a pack of cigarettes, too. Either way, you're killing them by setting them up for heart disease later in life.

If you are that freaked out about your house getting vandalized over candy, I really pity your living situation.

8:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I'm one of those moms who has given stickers, tattoos and other non-sugar goodies in the past (to save kids' teeth), and will continue to do so. However, your blog had me laughing out loud! Hopefully no neighborhood hooligans will read it and get ideas, lol! (At least we don't give PENNIES like MY parents did! Can you see that I've come a long way?)

9:53 PM  
Blogger rock_ninja said...

A. I don't even want to tell you all how much I've spent in the last year in dental work.
B. For my feelings on fat kids, see the fat kids entry from last week.


Don't you guys remember how much it sucked to get non-candy items- like pennies? I mean, it's probably not terribly healthy to dress up like the Hamburglar or a zombie every day, either. I think it's a lot more damning evidence of the divorce of our society from good nutrition and eating habits that we can't allow ourselves these special feast kind of days- they've just become the norm.

Also, it's a joke. Nobody really adorns flaming bags of poo with plastic spider rings- it totally messes up the flamage.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Chris Chan said...

Rock Ninja, having read that display of your fertile imagination, the people who lived in your trick-or-treating neighborhood when you were a kid have my sincerest sympathy.

Anonymous posters, let the kids have their fun. It's the parents' job to make sure their children don't eat the whole damn bag in one sitting. You stop giving out candy on Halloween, the next thing you know, you're "Bah Humbugging" and forcing your employees to work on Christmas, then you're writing to the President urging him not to pardon the national turkey on Thankgiving. Pretty soon you're chopping down trees on Arbor Day, referring your married friends to divorce lawyers on Valentine's Day, and campaigning for Prohibition on... I'll stop before I write something that might unintentionally offend somebody.

By the way, Rock Ninja, in regards to (A), I hope that everything is going better with you, dental-wise. In regards to (B), I couldn't tell from your blog entries what your feelings on overweight kids are. It's kind of ambiguous. Would you please explain when you get the chance?

I hope that those heat-packing trick-or-treaters treat you kindly.

2:58 AM  

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