Tuesday, January 01, 2008

2008: Off to a Robbly Start

Happy New Year and all that jazz. They say that how you are in the first days of the new year set the tone for the entire year, which means I'm fucked.

I'm going to spend 2008 looking like the Hamburglar.

It's an unfortunate confluence of events that have brought me to this state. Pre-Christmas season, I decided to start going through a horizontal stripedy clothing phase. It was pretty cute until the holidays came around. Too much junk food morphed my body from that of a wiry 10 year old boy to that of a pudgy 15 year old boy. Far too many mornings of "last night was a rough one" has turned the dark circles under my eyes into a bona fide mask. Between schmoozy work events, schmoozing with the Object's family, and schmoozing with houseguest and the ensuing parties/social events for aforementioned houseguest, I ran out of interesting small talk some time ago. No worries! My angry liver and bowels are happy to fill in where my vocabulary fails, so that all that comes out of my mouth anymore sounds like "Robble, robble!"

I'm just waiting for the McCravings to kick in. It's all downhill from there.

Next thing you know, I'll fall in with those chulos from the Happy Meal Gang, and what began as a life of petty burger vandalism will turn into a series of escalatings acts of thuggery, until I find myself wrapped up in a drive-by with Grimace, and all that's left of Birdie the Early Bird will be a horrible, ketchupy mess of McNuggets.

Mayor McCheese is going to come to work and detain me. My only defense will be my vegetarianism, and I'm not sure that'll hold up in court - next thing you know, I'll be on the witness stand, and Jack McCoy will get all up in my grill and I'll crack like an egg into a McMuffin. I'll break down, sobbing, "I did this for YOU!" in the general direction of the Object, the lover I will have taken, or my mother. Probably all three.

I've also been watching a lot of Law and Order.


Blogger Edward said...

Hey. Finally. Welcome back.

I was starting to think you didn't love us anymore.

Your fans.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous Chris Chan said...

I think if Jack McCoy shot down "the Twinkie defense," your vegetarianism doesn't stand a chance, especially now that McCoy's been promoted to D.A.

So, have you gotten your broad-brimmed flat black hat yet?

E-mail me so we can "ketchup."

3:26 PM  

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