If You Can Read This, You're Too Sober

As we pulled into the driveway of the Object's parent's house to begin the Christmas festivities last year- the first we celebrated together- the Object turned off the engine, clasped my hand, looked me earnestly in the eye, and dropped the bomb:

"There's something you should know about my family."

My heart did the Law & Order guh GUNK. This is the sort of thing you want to hear long before agreeing to stay a week with someone's family. The Object took a deep breath and continued, "What you should know about my family, especially at Christmastime, is that it is always ok to get another drink."

And that's why the Object's parents think we're alcoholics - because the Object seems to think that any familial visit is an opportunity for a bender, and I follow suit, mostly because I'm usually three drinks in before I realize what he's up to. Our drinking levels go up 328% whenever his parents are around, which doesn't necessarily spell out R-E-S-P-O-S-I-B-L-E, but something closer to S-O-U-S-E-D.

Over the course of the last two years, I've gotten to know the Object's family better, and I have to say, I love them. Sure, they're neurotic, but they have the lovable, feel-good, Oscar-winning movie-of-the-year kind of neuroses, and I'm happy to sit there with a mimosa and watch it all go by. I'm pretty sure they feel the same way about me, but would like to see the Object and me a little more sober from time to time. At the beach this summer, the Object's mother pleaded somewhat in vain with her first-born son to engage in an example-setting evening of sobriety. We were happy to oblige, and made it till almost 10 p.m.- a new record!

And yet, according to The New York Times, we're doing SOOOOO much better than the average American, and thus WAY ahead of the average Luxembourgian - though the Object will likely argue that we're behind:

Every year, the average American adult drinks the equivalent of 38 six-packs of beer, a dozen bottles of wine and two quarts of distilled spirits like gin, rum, single malt Scotch, or vodka that aspires to single malt status through the addition of flavors normally associated with yogurt or bubble bath.

We are by no means the most bibulous people: according to the World Health Organization, 39 other nations outdrink us, a list topped by Luxembourg, where residents manage to ingest roughly 284 bottles of beer and 88 bottles of wine annually, no doubt to salve the indignation of explaining that their country isn’t part of Belgium.

It is your duty to bust out those stats when you're three drinks too deep at your office holiday party- nothing says hooray for Baby Jesus and Kwanzaa spirit like using statistical evidence to avoid self-awareness.