Goo Report: The Maja Edition

WOW. There's so much to talk about this morning I don't even know where to begin. Of course that means it's time for a new edition of the Goo Report, a listing of the latest and greatest news you didn't even know was late and/or great.

• Since we left off on Tuesday with Bill Murray movies, let's pick back up there, specifically, their relation to Tuesday's primaries. "Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today." I cannot believe we have to go through six more weeks of this. Seriously, it's getting to the point where I want to park a car in front of a train. I wouldn't be in it, of course, but I would certainly enjoy the wanton destruction. This might make the Object reconsider his decision to put me on the insurance policy, though.
  
• On the subject of Barak, Yes, Pecan.
  
• Let's dig up the dead for fun and prayer! "Church statement said the body [of Italian saint and mystic Padre Pio] was in 'fair condition', particularly the hands, which Archbishop Domenico D'Ambrosio, who witnessed the exhumation in the southern Italian town where Pio died, said 'looked like they had just undergone a manicure'." I have to wear sandals to a schmancy dinner on Sat. night, and I'm not looking forward to the requisite mani-pedi to slough off my winter goat hooves. Maybe I should just be buried until then?
• FINALLY, now I don't have to lie anymore about where that diamond ring hiding at the bottom of my jewelry box!
  
• No "cussing" week? Fuck that. First of all, cussing is a STUPID word - they're swear or curse words. Second, this is a thinly veiled attempt to make himself stand out by having something unique to write a college application about. I hope the little brownnoser gets his ass kicked by real teenagers.
• Christian is MAJA. So is trivia. And also, watching last night's Project Runway finale, I was very sad that guest judge Victoria Beckham clubbed the Dalai Lama and robbed his clothes. I'm sure someone could have stepped up if she needed something that badly.
  
• I love it that this photograph was found and Helen Keller is in the news, since now I have an excuse to recite my favorite joke at any and every social opportunity.
  
• My computer completely erased the last 7 pages of a report that I have spent the last month and a half working on. If you'll excuse me, I am going to find Bill Gates and rip his fucking pubic hairs out one by one and use them to fashion a long, thin string, which I will use to tear off his goddamn fingernails and toes. Then I'm going to find the little twerp who wants to take away my swear words and do the same thing.
  
• UPDATE: Tom, the IT guy who defies every IT guy stereotype and works more miracles than Annie Sullivan came and fixed EVERYTHING. Seriously, I want a national holiday for this man.