What Not To Wear: Apparently, Clothes

Bah.

Humbug.

Happy Halloween. I guess.

Sigh, it's hard to get excited anymore about Dress-Like-a-Whore Day Halloween. Cuz of the costumes.

A good Halloween costume is witty, creative, topical, never store-bought, and judging by the works of my peer group, slutty. The rise in slutty costumes can ostensibly be attributed to a desire to shed taboos and stretch out our secret womanly desires- if only for a little while- and our secret desires apparently involve prancing around like a trollop. "[Halloween] has become the holiday where people are allowed to exhibit behaviour or dress in a manner that would normally be thought of as 'deviant.'" But it seems like year after year, we're seeing the same tired old Little Red Light District Riding Hoods. Deviant implies something outside the norm- something risqué. What is exhibitionism if you're exhibiting the same old goodies over and over?
Boooooooring!

It's time to get a little more creative about dressing up like a slattern. Put the HAR! back in harlot this year with the Goo Floozy Costume Guide. It's easy! Just wear what's listed and nothing else, and you're down the winding road to the good life of a fallen woman:

• Slutty Al Gore: Power pointer, Nobel Prize, wind turbine pasties.
  
• Slutty Larry Craig: Trench coat with nothing on underneath except a bow-tie, toilet plunger, five-inch stiletto heels with toilet paper sticking out.
  
• Slutty Silvia Plath: Slutty secretary outfit, E-Z Bake Oven.
  
• Slutty anorexia: I promise you'll see this at a party this year. Nothing says H-O-TTT like a vague resemblance to Skeletor. Prow!
  
• Slutty infant: Onesie for the 6-8 months crowd (preferably one of the fun new ones that say "slut" on the butt).
• Tea and Strumpets: Strategically placed tea cozy and English muffins. This one comes courtesy of the fond childhood memory I have throwing a temper tantrum in front of my Irish priest uncle, Father Paddy, in which I whinged, "But MOOOOOOOOOOM! You promised he would have tea and strumpets!"
  
• Slutty professional blogger: Ratty bunny slippers and a pack of Marlboro reds.
  
• Slutty FEMA staffer: Dress in slutty kangaroo costume. Hold court. In case you're wondering, a slutty kangaroo looks like this:

• Slutty crack whore: make some painful life choices over the course of several years
• Slutty repressed conservative Christian minister: Two wet suits, scuba mask, flippers, rubber underoos, Liberty University degree. Bonus points for hidden treasure.
• Slutty Mother Theresa: You know, I just can't. Apparently, I have one teensy, tinsy scruple left.
  
• Slutty Hill staffer: Dress as you normally do. Shame on you.
• If all else fails, bust out (heh) some Chinese Condom Couture.
  

I'm feeling better about Halloween already. Me? I'm going as global warming, a costume that will involve silver lamé, strategically placed depictions of carbon dioxide molecules, and a dead polar bear.