Monday, October 15, 2007

Woop Woop Woop!

I had another post ready to go for today, but we've shifted into crisis mode here at the Goo: one of my BFSupremeFs broke up with her boyfriend yesterday.

While many people will tell you the five food groups- fat, sugar, salt, booze, and food that never occurred in nature- are the way forward, I'm a better fan of the distraction method, especially if the friend has decided not to stay at home, but to surround herself with people (which is what I tend to do, too). So I'm going to be updating the Goo as often as possible today, in an effort to quell a little of the pain- follow along, and think about how much your last breakup completely sucked!

Or at least think about something else.

3:27 p.m. According to About.com, brief, opinionated, and not necessarily accurate knower of all things (like me!), there are certain breakup/heartbreak (seriously, you don't need to breakup to get your heart ripped directly out of your chest and then dunked in salt and vinegar while it's still beating) necessities. I concur, and so I offer you a list of such necessities with my preferred picks. Feel free to elaborate with your own helpful hints:
  • Breakup food: Breaking up actually makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. It's possibly the only time I 100% lose my appetite. It's really disconcerting. When I'm upset in general, though, there's nothing quite like a box of macaroni and cheese with tomatoes, spinach, broccoli, and extra cheese (especially goat cheese) with crushed red pepper flakes. Also, Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, except that the volume of it that I tend to eat scratches the roof of my mouth for days. Oh Cap'n, why must you insult me on top of my injury?
  • Breakup clothes: A constant struggle between pride (what if I and the desire to wallow, which is the true beauty of dresses. In theory, I would don this one item of clothing and be instantly dressed, and instantly looking good (just in case). In reality, I'd likely be wearing silver lame leggings (effort to look edgy and cool), a blue full-length fleece robe circa 1997 (effort to look edgy and cool thwarted), and bunny slippers from the same era.
  • Breakup journal: Last time I got my heart really trashed, I immediately had to hop on a plane with nothing to read other than the in-flight magazine. After I wrote "Lying Cheating Sack of Shit" on every last page of my journal in every font of handwriting imaginable, I filled in the sudoku and crossword with the same epithet, then moved on to creating an extremely graphic and not terribly nice flip book wherein the main character dies from being forced to eat shards of glass concealed in a delicious meal. I left it on the plane. To the person who got that magazine after me? Sorry 'bout that. And probably don't cook that recipe I left behind.
  • Breakup books: Useful for throwing at heartwrecker. While his or her favorite titles will sting the most (not to mention a great opportunity to tell him why he's a pretentious git for liking Henry Miller), I'd still go for heft. This is the only reason I can think of to explain why people like David Foster Wallace's books so much.
1:46 p.m. Consolation: at least he wasn't looking at other women. Unlike Colin. Oh, quit gasping, wrong Colin.

11:37 a.m. The Object is also close with breaking-up-friend, and is willing to pitch in for the betterment of society. Specifically, he's willing to provide sugar and alcohol! Mike's hard lemonades! (Disclaimer: leftover from visit by his maternal unit; we would never confess to actually keeping this in the house for ourselves. Cuz we don't . No seriously, the Arbor Mist might be for us, but the Mike's are a fluke.) The combination sure to cure even the most deep-struck grief, for at least 15 minutes to no more than an hour...It kind of replicates the being-with-boy experience in that you feel GREAT for about fifteen minutes, but you really hate yourself and how you feel in the morning.

In unrelated news, I just ate what probably amounts to a third of a bag of candy crack corn. I feel ill and I'm pretty sure my teeth are going to rot out in protest. But I still kinda want more. And there's the upside to living in a consumer culture: there's always more where that came from.

10:29 a.m.: The Goo list of top 3 Breakup Movies:
  • Brazil. Well, this is just cuz it's one of my favorite movies. But it's hard to be depressed about your own life when you know you don't have to worry about a dystopian nightmare wherein improperly filling out a 27b/6. Although, those public service announcements I've seen lately telling me not to be worried when cable t.v. makes the switch to being fully digitized creep me the fuck out. I wasn't worried about the switch before the commercials, but with whatwith the people telling me in ostensibly soothing voices not to be alarmed, I get a little alarmed. You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you.
  • Sean of the Dead. "Shaun of the Dead [is] perhaps the only movie in which all the sad compromises of maturity are symbolized by the pressing need to lop off your undead neighbors' rotting head[s] with a cricket bat." If love can overcome zombies, you'll do just fine. Also a helpful film for anyone who gets stains frequently. "Hey mate. You got red on you."
  • Sliding Doors. Yep. It's my girly downfall. If John Hannah and his brogue do not cure all ailments of the heart, then leave it to the rowing and Jeanne Tripplehorn's immortal line: "Jerry... I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating- and not a little bit scary." Just don't ask yourself how Jerry managed to woo either woman; it's best not to think about it too much.
9:49 a.m. Wait, you're asking- The Annihilators sounds a lot like Mr. T's movie, D.C. Cab. Well, not really, but it's funny to think about Mr. T's movie, DC Cab, especially considering there really aren't DC Cab companies per se, but a whole bunch of independent contractors trying to srew you out of$4 when you're late to work. Other funny highlights? "The R-rated comedy was controversial upon release due to Mr. T's appeal among children, which resulted in the film being mis-marketed in many regions." Wikipedia also thinks it's not a little funny that Mr. T contracted T-cell lymphoma. Ha! Cancer! Funny!

Mr. T is also not afraid to get oddly meta: "Mr. T had licensed his image to a food company for a breakfast cereal. During the commercials for his eponymous cereal, Mr. T would use his catchphrase of "I pity the fool who don't eat my cereal!" Mr. T's cereal was famously featured in a scene of the movie Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, in which Pee Wee eats two mouthfuls of Mr. T cereal on his Pancake, while doing an impersonation of Mr. T himself."

9:19 a.m.: Consolation- you'll never have to go see a film at the Washington Psychotronic Film Society. That may be less consolation to you once you realize that this Tuesday, you'll be missing:

The Annihilators
(1985) Directed by Charles E. Sellier, Jr.
Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (TV's Boom-Boom Washington of "Welcome Back Kotter") stars in this take-back-the-streets revenge flick about some Vietnam Vets who band together to save a fellow vet's neighborhood from some punk-ass thugs. This action-packed adventure is what you would have gotten if you crossed the 'A-Team' with 'The Golden Girls.'
(Tip o' the Goo to Lionel)

4 Comments:

Blogger The Insider said...

I read that whole article about Mr. T in wikipedia and it said its ironic he got "T" cell lymphoma, not funny. You shouldn't disrespect the wiki when Mr. T is involved.

10:43 AM  
Blogger The Goo said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous cj said...

I was down for the hard lemonade, but then read about the candy corn soda and my stomach flipped.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about ice cream?

3:27 PM  

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