Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Eliot Mess

Whoa, so karma does work!

Oh, Love Client #9, how wonderfully far you have fallen off your sparkling ivory pedestal into a heaping pile of condoms you didn't want to wear to screw your pricey prostitute. So much for being Mr. Clean! Don't worry, I went to Catholic school too, so I understand what it's like to learn morals instead of 10th-grade sex ed. Even so, I'll bet your wife appreciates that hooker with a heart of gold - and more importantly, a protective pussy1.

The whole Eliot Spitzer prostitution ring business simply tickles me pink. Not only do we get the fun of speculating the turnover time from news story to episode of Law and Order2, but the story broke just in time to save us from the monotony of another Tuesday primary that's already been won by Spitzer's BFFs, the Clintons.

Wait, whaaaa...?
Oh, hadn't you heard? According to Hillary, she's the nominee. She's all over the headlines graciously offering Barack a position as Jim to her Huck3. You see, she's the most electable, a trait that is not decided by what which gets one elected - namely the number of votes in one's favor - but by a feeling. It's all very Mamas and the Papas, and how can that be bad for America? I heard one Sunday morning pundit blathering on about how Hillary's wins in New York and California make her more electable. The conclusion is a pretty big leap outside the land o' logic, implying that because Hillary won these blue strongholds in the primary, McCain would beat Obama in these general election. By that logic, since Obama won the District and Maryland in the primary, McCain would beat Hillary in these states in the general election. But since one's electability has little to do with how one is elected, the original point stands. See how this works?

But what about the delegate count? I thought Obama was ahead?
Pshaw, if math didn't need to work for Huckabee4, it certainly doesn't need to work for Hillary. See, while Barack was still but a moppet learning math, Hillary was busy engaging in her thirty-five years of experience and didn't have time to learn math5. That said, she's probably lost any chance at the American Mathematical Society's endorsement, which is really a shame, since National Mathematics Awareness month is fast approaching, and this year's theme is "Math and Voting".

So wait, what does this all have to do with Spitzer's jimmy?
It's safe to say Spitzer's support of Hillary will now clinch the Nascar Dad/ it's-ok-unprotected-sex-with-prostitutes constituency, a.k.a the all-important white male voters. Let's just savor the fact that they'll be voting for the woman with an iron snatch.

1. From a political strategy standpoint, the only thing that could save Spitzer's career right now would be some kind of "family values reaffirmation" break in the story, like announcing his wife was preggers. I would love it because it would finally present an apropos occasion for my dream of children named after venereal diseases. I think Clappy Spitzer has quite a snappy ring to it.

2. 3 weeks, tops. Thank GAWD the writers' strike is over.

3. After Bill, natch.

4. How did that turn out again?

5. I can relate to Hillary; I, too, refuse to acknowledge math as legitimate. I also claim thirty-five years of experience despite only being twenty-seven years old.


Blogger 4mastjack said...

So many things about this that are just so wrong.

First off, why is he bringing down a New York hooker? Aren't our whores good enough for him? As a resident of DC, I'm pretty offended.

Also, so close to Valentine's Day? Ew.

Next, please note that not only is he BFF with the Clintons, but he's also a convention superdelegate, already committed to Hillary. Think she can afford to lose even one delegate? Think she's counseling him not to resign?

On a non-related note, however, did you know that the American Mathematical Society uses TIMSS?

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Chris Chan said...

I concur that this governor scandal will find its way onto the "Law & Order" franchise. I think all 22 episodes of the 18th season of regular "L&O" are already filmed, but "SVU" will start airing again in April, and "CI" doesn't appear on USA until June. I'm sure they'll have a governor (or a mayor or something like that- they often change it) in a prostitution sex scandal. However, given the states of the shows, it'll either be "CI" this summer or "regular" or "SVU this fall.

3:33 PM  
Blogger The Goo said...

4MastJack- If her were a congressman, I could see your point, but it certainly speaks to his gubernatorial prowess to have so much pride in your state that you export its whores.

TIMSS and math- two things that really just don't work for me. At least TIMSS doesn't switch the numbers around in my brain.

Chris, as for L&O, I don't think it's the sort of thing that would work on CI; this has SVU written all over it. I'll bet you're right that it gets changed to a mayor; it could go either of two ways there: either the prostitute gets killed and the madam has to become a witness against the Spitzer character, or the prostitute gets raped by someone else in a position of power and the Spitzer character is compelled to testify, jeopardizing his career.

4:21 PM  
Blogger 4mastjack said...

Goo, excellent point re NY pride.

The downside to that, as far as he's concerned though, is that it opens him up to a Mann Act charge. That's a non-trivial federal crime, and, furthermore, sentences are way harsh in the fed system for non-white-collar crimes. As former US Atty Spitzer should well know.

4:49 PM  
Blogger The Insider said...

I like your application of logic to presidential campaigns. These campaigns have consistently defied logic, so logically you shouldn't apply logic to them. Unfortunately, you have to apply logic to them to conclude that you shouldn't apply logic to them. At which point my brain begins to hurt.

11:00 AM  

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