Jingle Jingle Jingle

Last night's We-Can't-Officially-Call-It-the-State-of-the-Union State Of the Union address demonstrated that Barack Obama has mastered the art of speechification. I appreciated how race and socioeconomics played into the evening, subtly and not-so-subtly. First, BaHO slyly called out to engage America's minorities, who make up the overwhelming majority of America's high school drop outs:

Dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It's not just quitting on yourself -- it's quitting on your country. And this country needs and values the talents of every American.

How can you disappoint Barack Obama and America? Eat your heart out, Bill Cosby! Aaaaaaaaaaand then they panned to the room full of old white guys.

I was quite upset that Sasha and Malia were kept at home. This was presumably so that they didn't upstage Ty'Sheoma Bethea, the bell-headed 8th grader who implored Congress to fix her school because in America, we're not quitters. She was heartbreakingly adorable, true, there's only one of her and two of them, so it's an unfair contest. But in the aforementioned room full of half-asleep old white guys helmed by Nancy Pelosi looking like she'd overdosed on her grandkids' Adderall, can you ever really have too many adorable little black girls?

Ah, but then race issues took a not-so-subtle turn when Kenneth the Page Bobby Jingle took to the screen. As Bobby Jingle (also, Bobby Jingo) regaled us with the story of his immigrant-parent youth, the Object and I turned to each other and shouted in unison, "BROWN OFF!" A contest to see which party had the more authentic minority voice as not possible two months ago. I think we all owe a lot to Slumdog Millionaire.

As for Bobby Jingle, well, I'm in utterly love with him. He may have been a little too ham-handed with his childhood story, but he filled the void in the evening's adorability quotient left by the absence of Sasha and Malia. I want the Bobby Jingle Talking Doll to keep in my bag and give me a high school pep talk when I'm feeling blue about the global shitstorm:

• You don't need Barack Obama or your savings account; go buy a house you can't afford, and a puppy to go in it!
• Natural disasters only happen in Louisiana!
• Treat every week like it's shark week!
• You learned everything you need to know in kindergarten, so go ahead and have that nap!

I'm sure the people of Alaska appreciate Bobby Jingle just as much as me. After hearing how Bobby Jingle saved Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina, they can rest assured knowing Bobby Jingle is the kind of guy who will help the Republican party in the face of a natural disaster. Everybody's in a tizzy because he suggested we don't need volcano monitoring. But consider this item of recent news:

The plume of smoke coming from Mount Redoubt near Anchorage is growing daily. The volcano has been showing signs of activity since last fall, but the threat level became increased around January 25.

Conceivably, if you take away volcano monitoring and the thing blows and nobody around has any warning, everybody in the vicinity gets magmaed. And who lives in Alaska? Sarah Palin! So no volcano monitoring=no more Sarah Palin. Alaska wins, GOP wins, and most importantly, America wins.

Bobby Jingle, boy genus.