Thursday, August 10, 2006

The News Just Came In

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but here at the Goo, we're on Red Fucking Alert. We are fucking vigilant. We are on the lookout for terrorists.

Kitty has already been rounded up and sent off to Guantanamo. He was looking shifty this morning. And cats= terrorist is as obvious as 9/11/2001=Bomb Iraq. Sorry Kitty!

By the way, Red Alert should totally mean that us Denizens of DC should be issued binoculars and given the day off to watch the sky for terrorists. Does Homeland Security really expect to do this on their own? This is what my 6'x6' backyard is for!

In related news, I'm wholly disappointed that Michael Chertoff does not sound more like Skeletor. However, I'm reassured that the man must be brilliant, as it takes some talent to cover that up.

Finally, I'm most disappointed this morning in the terrorists. Not because they didn't go through with their plan; I'm glad that was foiled. But I'm supremely disappointed that an Al-Quaeda operative didn't seize the airwaves with a sort of Dr. Claw "Muahahahahahaha!" evil terrorist message along the lines of "Next time, Gadget!" Have these terrorists learned nothing froom cartoons?

I always imagined that's what the terrorist training camps looked like: a sandstorm raging in the desert. In the middle of the scene is a big green army surplus tent. Outside the tent, there is an outlet in the sand. you follow the cord inside, to a group of guerillas in fatigues, huddled around a t.v., watching Wile E. Coyote, taking notes. There is a man with a classrom pointer and a remote, highlighting various acts of destruction, pointing out where the coyote was foiled by the evil western oppressor road runner. When a terrorist gets really good, he's allowed to advance to the master terrorist class, where they watch Thundercats, and learn to send anthrax in the mail via the PostMasters of the Universe.

But according to Michael Chertoff, this isn't true. "This was not a situation with a handful of people sitting around dreaming about terrorist plots."

Alas, there was no seizure of the airwaves.


So disillusioned this morning.

Thanks a fucking lot, terrorists. Assholes.

Stay vigilant, peoples. And for God's sake, do NOT go to CVS. Probably just stop showering all together, as you liquids and gels are secretly terrorist explosive devices. Haven't you always kind of suspected that of L.A. Looks?


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