Welcome to the World: Tips for New Users

Dear Allister Jane,

Congratulations on your recent arrival on Earth, and let me just say, way to come into the world fist-pumping and ready to rawk! Truly, this is a great day for little girldom. Here's some things you might want to know about the world:

• Fun is exponentially related to messiness. This is why adults like movies with explosions so much and why diggers are a LOT more fun than Barbies. Messiness that permanently stains, especially really frilly clothing is the highest echelon of fun currently available to humans.
  
• As a general rule, avoid lead poisoning. This means no plates painted in Tijuana, no drinking DC tap water, and sadly, no Thomas the Tank Engine.
  
• Horsies? Awesome. You should really start asking your dad for one now.
• Don't do that whole weird toy miscegenation thing where the Transformers can't play with the My Little Ponies or Micro Machines and the Kinex have to stay away from the Legos. Your toys can all get along.
  
• Lip gloss? More trouble than it's worth. The other girls in the neonatal nursery might start telling you it's really cool and will make those other lumpy potato-like things with sticky-outy parts (we call those "boys") like you, but it's really just a goopy mess.
• Get started practicing your adorable puppy dog-eyes look, since it renders fathers completely defenseless, and then you can get that rad tea party set you've had your eye on. If you can perefct a good, pleading look without any hint of wheedling, you'll be set for life.
  
• Don't try the puppy dog look with moms. Or aunts. Maaaaaaybe grandmas. Go with paternal grandmas, just to be safe.
• You know what's always a funny joke? At family gathering, innocently ask your parents why you look more like your uncle than your dad. That would also be a great place to bust out some huge, adorable eyes.
  
• Oh, while we're on the topic of parents, yours are cool. And give them a high five for your awesome name, cuz it's a lot better than the one they originally had, Return to Castle Wolfenstein Lowery.
• Shoes and handbags? While admittedly, they're fun, they just don't live up to the hype, and they take up a LOT of closet space. That said, you can easily impress your kindergarten colleagues by donning a matching pair of shoes. Extra points if you can tie them yourself.
  
• Fishies? Not trustworthy, just look at their shifty, beady eyes. They will eat you the first time the opportunity presents itself. Be very wary, possibly avoid them altogether.
  
• When you're about six years-old or so, if someone tries to convince you that watching a movie called "Bloodbath in the House of Death" or "Full Metal Jacket", don't believe them. Just trust me on this one, you definitely want to wait until you're a ten to see those.
  
• Spiders? Despite the widespread opinion of many, many women, and the lack of a child-friendly -ies suffix, not actually a problem. Plus, they eat mosquitoes, which is pretty sweet.
• Milkscreen. You never, ever know.
  
• Fuck the Wiggles. The Teletubbies are where it's at.

I hope this helps; good luck with the sleeping, pooping, and crying.

Love and Snuggles,

The Goo