Friday, June 30, 2006

The Goo Report:: The Agony of Decisions Edition

It's been a week full of difficult decisions. No, I'm not talking about giving the worst ultimatum ever ("You can't just give me one option, that's not how it works!"), rather I'm talking about the agony of deciding whether to cheer for Argentina or Germany in the World Cup. Picking a loyalty after the U.S. was booted out by Ghana was easy at first- Italy vs. Australia? No question, Oz all the way- not just cuz we at the Goo are partial to Aus and its supremely awesome denizens (DynoNESS!), but b/c the Italian team is a bunch of shiny, tan, beautiful bastards. As the week progressed, the decisions became more difficult- Germany or Argentina? I mean, if I can't root for Italy, then I can't very well cheer for Argentina, who are shiny, tan, beautiful bastards trying to seem Italian. It's like saying come the next Supreme Court Pep Rally, you wouldn't cheer for Scalia, but you would still cheer for Clarence Thomas. But cheering for Germany is just too easy. Besides, aren't all the Argentian team members of German nationality anyways?

But tomorrow, we are faced with a terrible, decision, one that can only lead to a Phyrric victory. Yes, it's a rematch of eight years ago between France and Brazil.

Now, while we here at the Goo love both France and Brazil, we cannot in good conscience cheer for either team. Don't get us wrong: we love both countries. But cheering for Brazil is as obvious as, well, cheering for Brazil in the World Cup, and I'm mad at France's national team. See, before they won the title in 1998, their team was called Les Coqs- the cocks. After their victory, they realized the euphemistic nature of their nickname and changed it to Les Bleus. First of all, what the hell is a blue? As in a Smurf? I don't get it. Secondly, I find it highly un-French not to embrace the full euphemistic nature of such a team name. But alas, I will cheer for them anyways. Not only because they've been playing extremely well, but also because it'll piss off a LOT of freedom fry-eating jingoists if France wins. And isn't that what the World Cup is all about?

Check out the ten strangest stories surrouding the World Cup.

I feel so bad for the Ukrainian players who can't have sex because they lost.

Fifth sign of the Apocalypse: England drinking Germany dry at the World Cup.

World Cup delays wedding, Briton's patriotism challenged. By the way, why doesn't this bride want to watch the game? Seriously, if I were her husband, I'd be rethinking my life-partner decisions.

The theme of this year's World Cup is "A Time To Make Friends". N.B. That time is suspended when your opponent's national anthem is played.

Here's why Australia is out and France is still in: it's all about the Minogues.

How do coaches survive the agony and the ecstasy?


Blogger jason_uk said...

I love the articles about drinking germany dry and the minogues supporting australia..
I know this is more intellectual, honest, truthful and unbiased than your average american news, but this is a relative concept!
I am just warning you readers who may not be aware that the sun did once publish pictures of a lost B52 bomber... on the moon....

10:37 AM  

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