Sunday, July 23, 2006

Our Far-Flung Correspondents: Nukes=Freedom

Blowing things up is as instrinsic to being American as loving our flag by either wearing it on every single body part or lighting it on fire1 We give the portion of the population most adept at blowing things up- 18 year-old boys- special badges. We call them the military. Then they go and blow shit up in order to prevent the wrong people from blowing shit up themselves. That's what we call freedom. Then, to celebrate the freedom, we blow things up. But to show we're free, we make it pretty, and we blow up unimportant things, like bottles, sidewalks, golf courses, and atolls. 2

It's an important distinction to understand. Terrorists don't- they blow up trains, buildings, and Innocent Loved Ones,and more importantly, they don't have special badges, so they clearly don't love freedom. Poofygoo's Far-Flung Correspondent, Rani-Ani, moved to India recently, where, as the largest democracy in the world, they know a hell of a lot about freedom. They also know about the g.d. terrorists hating on the freedom, having recently suffered from a series of tragic terrorist attacks on the subway system in Mumbai. She was more than happy to provide us insights on her newly adopted home, and in a recent interview, we discussed the larger implications of what it means for Indians to blow things up.

Poofygoo: Here at the Goo, the neighbors have been celebrating 4th of July since Memorial Day, and apparently are celebrating Bastille Day, too. Now I think they're getting ready for Indian Independence Day- August 15th, right? By celebrating, I mean, of course, the only way one can celebrate the birth of one's nation- by getting ripped and blowing things up. How does Independence Day work in India?

Rani Ani: Can you believe that on August 15, India's Independence Day, it's ILLEGAL to serve alcohol in public? The US Senate might come dangerously close to messing with our right to free speech. But can you imagine what would happen if someone tried to pass a law requiring July 4th to be a free of alcohol? There would be riots!

As for explosions, they have lots of fireworks, just not on August 15th.

PG: Whatwhatwhat? I don't get it.

RA: I know, I don't think this country understands independence at all. They have about a week of disorganized fireworks for Divali, which is around October sometime.

PG: But doesn't the date change every year? That's no good, because you can't predict the explosions. Freedom isn't free- you have to preserve it by blowing things up! Clearly, they're still holding onto the shackles of their oppressors. How would India respond?

RA: I don't know; Indian independence is still a mystery to me. I can't imagine- no drinking, no blowing things up... (Rani Ani breaks off, too emotional to continue)

PG: Do Indians understand the whole ice cream and coke thing? Black cows? I mean, how is that not the national drink? Aren't cows sacred or some shit like that?

Right, and for exactly that reason, they would NOT drink a drink named after cows. It's totally backwards from what an American would think. If cows were sacred to Americans, we would name EVERYTHING after them, but Indians like to keep their sacred, well, sacred, I guess.

PG: But it's a delicious drink.

It gets worse. In India, no one is allowed to hang an Indian flag outside his house. Not even outside the police station. The police station has some stupid police flag outside.

PG: But how do the Indians show they love freedom?

I dunno, I guess they don't. That's what the nuclear talk is all about. It's Bush's way of spreading freedom to the heathens- if they have the ability to make their own breathtaking explosions, then they'll be truly free.

PG: NUKES FOR INDIA! NUKES FOR FREEDOM! So when can we expect to see you stateside again?

: Probably pretty soon. I like the food and all, but there's too much pollution and traffic, and the people really do stink of b.o.

PG: Not a lot of deodorant?

I actually asked about that. They have deodorant here, but it's so expensive. It costs average people the equivalent of one days's wages for them, so sadly, there's not a lot of deodorant. I think affordable deodorant will be India's version of sliced bread.
I'm pretty sure the reason deodorant is so damn expensive in India is because America puts huge tariffs on it just for Indians. See, America has freedom envy. We're not the biggest, so we have to keep them down. And everyone knows that the secret to being a developed nation is smelling like Old Caribbean Spicy Cool Fresh From the Shower and Baby-Powdered3. So we put huge tariffs on the deodorant just for Indians.
As for blowing things up, the terrorists are really ruining it for the rest of us. First of all, you can't kill Innocent Loved Ones. You're supposed to do it like Will Smith- he never kills hapless extra passerssby when in the middle of dense population centers, he only lays waste to the aliens and robots. He also has super sweet choreography. And the terrorists neverblow up cool stuff. People-packed trains- it's just so hackneyed. You have to be original, like the guys at Nasa4 in this clip:
Now go blow something up, and then wave a flag over it. Then wear the flag. What the hell, why not even light it on fire while you're at it?

1 Sometimes both at the same time.
2 Why always atolls? Why never an island? What is it about the lagoon that makes an atoll more attractive to testers of nuclear warheads?
3 It's what FDR and Clinton wore. Historians generally regard Polk as the worst president in U.S. history due to his b.o. stank.
4 Note the badges!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think you should fire your coorespondent for she is blowing smoke up a lot of people's butts. in india we are actually allowed to have our flags up outside our houses between 9 and 6. then, as they are removed from the govt bulidings, we too put them away. unlike in america, we cant wipe our arse with our flags and then set them on fire hoping that the diorrhea doesnt stop the flag from burning. similarly we dont need explosions to celebrate our freedom.besides we dont need government money to enjoy fireworks. we go out an dbuy our own fireworks and enjoy them irresponsibly on our own. now that is freedom!

10:36 AM  
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