Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Do I Get Any Credit for Being The First-Born Girl?

Today, Slate asks in big, obnoxious letters,

Are firstborns really smarter than their siblings?

Well, let's see. I have five older brothers.

Fraternal Unit #1: Successful tv/movie writer in L.A.

Fraternal Unit #2: Small Particle Physicist at Los Alamos. The National Lab. I thought Quarks was a t.v. show for a long time.

Fraternal Unit #3: Convicted felon and professional douchebag. It bears mentioning that he's adopted. No, I'm not kidding. He's the only adopted one in the family, too, so we really can't count this in the whole genetic scheme of things.

Fraternal Unit #4: West Point Graduate, currently an officer Captain in Iraq; awarded a bronze star.

Fraternal Unit #5: In the midst of an argument when he and I were 9 and 8 years old, respectively, we presented our cases to my mother. I stomped my foot and said, "But Mo-OOOOOOM!" He quoted Hegel. I got grounded; he got a raise in his allowance.

♫ME♫: When I was four, I announced to a large gathering of family and friends that my greatest professional aspiration was to be a cow. At the next such gathering, still smarting from their mocking laughter, I haughtily announced that I had moved on from the childish nonsense of a bovine career, owing to the revelation that I was a child progeny.

There hasn't been much progression since. I probably should have stuck with the cow.

So, yeah, I can see where Slate would get that idea. Moo, fuckers.


Anonymous yekutiel said...

My two brothers have degrees from five ivy league schools. I went to Maryland. For five and half years. To be fair, i also had three concussions and a skull fracture before the age of 10.

9:49 AM  
Blogger rock_ninja said...

I went to college for 5 years, too!!!! Alas, I had no skull fracture, albeit, one of the fraternal units stabbed me in the head with a pitchfork. That left a mark.

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's social factors, not genetics, that they say causes the difference between siblings. So your third sibling is still a mystery.

9:57 AM  
Blogger rock_ninja said...

Eh, either way, my mom still likes him better.

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Chris Chan said...

My little sister was in the room with me when they announced this study on the news. She shot me a real dirty look.

1:38 PM  
Blogger rock_ninja said...

NO SYMPATHY, CHRIS CHAN! That is what you get for usurping all the IQ points.

1:52 PM  
Blogger Desidirius said...

I am the oldest of four. I am the only one with a college degree. The youngest (23)? Still at home and unemployed.

2:22 PM  
Blogger The Kresl Family said...

I was the oldest of 7 and I defintely had the highest IQ, though I put forth the least amount of effort at school. At The Willows Academy for Girls.

7:42 PM  
Blogger rock_ninja said...


I am going to peep in underpants.

7:44 AM  
Anonymous Couch! That hurts... said...

Oldest siblings are clearly not the most intelligent, as they are prone to being bossy and unreasonable, and pushing people to do things they know they should not. A smart person wouldn't do things like that.

9:16 AM  

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