I Would Like To Vacuum My Cat

Ok, I definitely stole the idea from Kathryn.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

AUUUUUUGH
AUUUUUUUGH
AUUUUUUUUUUUGH
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

Yes, I am going to the dentist today. Why do you ask?

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

The Object's comforting words?

"Well, you have been wanting more sleep lately. Think of how rested you'll feel if you ever wake up."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

Monday Morning Memo: Lexicon Change

Attention.

Effective immediately, all babies shall be referred to as "dingo snacks".

Thank you for your attention. Carry on with your regularly scheduled day.

Come Again?

Seriously?

Racecar school?

"UYRS is committed to the education, training and preparation of today's urban youth through exposure to the automotive and motorsports industry. "

Seriously.

The Goo Report

National Zoo authorities need to investigate if this is really the best environment for the Stick.

YESSSS! Six Flags! Now you don't have to go rushing through the line pretending to cry and be lost, looking for your mother! I used to have a season pass to go there. In eighth grade, my friend KK was so excited about her first trip there. She got in the car for the ride home, and our chaperone, the ultra-Catholic (Opus Dei) Mr. Antene, asked her how her day had been. She gushed, "I had the best day ever! The rides were so fun, and the people were so nice! I talked to one boy who was so nice; he told me all about how he's an orgasm donor!" Mr. Antene died a little that day. Interestingly enough, KK's innocence did not.

Why is it that some people can pull off the navy blue/black thing? Ranee Ani pulls this look off and looks like a hipster fairy princess (note to self: move to India, get engaged to Indian hottie).


OK, I really hope my Mom isn't reading this. This story of obviously guilty criminals reminds me of when, in a fit of sibling rivalry, I painted my name in white out on my mother's antique leather card table, t buy super poligrip. Not just that cheap generic shit.

Is it cheating if the helicopter is still in motion? I mean, how can you tell it actually landed on his back? Oh, and the straws.


Never fear, the scientists are on top of this whole global warming thing. With mirrors. And spacerockets. There are probably lasers involved. Which means soon we'll get the laser bikes. Like in Tron.


Thailand coup- no fatties. Only hotties.

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that hot dog stand!

Exercise machine generators? Lifetime change deposit machine? Brilliant.

The downside of plastic boobs? You'll kill yourself. What a waste of money.

I'll still probablu be lazy about washing my tomatoes despite this report.

Sleep with one eye open- the fish are walking, and coming to get you next.

Souparoo

I have been awake for over four hours now.

I slept for three hours before that.

I am tired. Not doing so well with the coherent. It's the pattern for this week. So here's some stream of conscious gooey goodness.

At the Executive Committee breakfast, they did not serve soup. Which is what I like to eat for breakfast these days. Don't none of you start in on my weird breakfast food habits, since I think your sugary chocolate frosted sugar bombs habits are a lot weirder than Indian food (though, as a child, I was known to have consumed a kibble or two of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch).

Shout out of the morning goes out to Helena, who, for the second day in a row, invited me to partake in the TimTam slam. Mmmmm, sugary. Her sister has recently joined a New Jersey Roller Derby Team. We think her name should be the Tim Tam Slamma. Belle and Slambastian were already taken.

Yearrrrrgh, Ye Scurvy Dogs!

(photo credit)

When does a pirate become a man?
At his BARRRRRRRRRR Mitzvah.

What does a pirate call the Executive Director of the American Society of Hematlogy?
MAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRty¹

What's a pirate's favorite place to visit in DC?
The National ARRRRRRRRRchives.

What does a pirate make for his woman when he loses a bet?
A roasted veggie tarrrrrrrrrrt.

Where does a pirate go to rent AmARRRRRican Psycho?
The Blockbuster in ARRRRRRRRlington.

What historical figure does a pirate contest the veracity of some scholar's speculations that she was a hermaphrodite?
Joan of ARRRRRRRRRRRRc

What waterborne parasite does a pirate host?
GiARRRRRRRRRRRRdia.

What does a pirate like about Harry Potter?
His sweet scARRRRRRRRRRR.

What happens to vegan pirates whilst travelling the high seas?
They stARRRRRRRRRRRRRve.

What's a useful course of study for a pirate?
CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRtography.

What is a pirate's favorite language?
FARRRRRRRRRRRsi.

What's a pirate's favorite yoga pose?
DownwARRRRRRRRRd facing scurvy dog.

What's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation?
Amtrak. To fight for legislation, contact your senatARRRRRRRRRRRR. For more information, contact Colin PeppARRRRRRRRRRRRRd.






¹Aye, that actually be her name.

Why Are They Called Pirates?

They just arrrrrrr.

Tomorrow is the most important holiday of the year. Prepare by practicing your pirate riddles for sophisticates.

How much are pirates charged for piercings?

A buccaneer.

I Know It's A Good Cause, But....

Fucked up.

The Goo Report

This Goo Report is brought to you by Orson Welles. Wait for the "Mwwwaaahahaha the French... champagne".


Mafia tactics employed to avenge Steve Irwin's death. I hope PETA gets involved, because it would be hilarious to see PETA vs. the Mob. I would pay $9.50 to see that movie.

So many preventable deaths- if only he had been wearing his grisgris.

If only my ancestors had this kind of foresight...

I know- pesticides are bad; I'm a good li'l environmentalist, but this is seriously hilarious.

Is this some kind of sick joke? I wanted to get on the Attention Deficit Disorder Website to read about a story where a man started a kitty jihad, but it takes FOREVER to load, and I don't have that kind of attention. That's fucked up.

Aforementioned kitty jihad. Now the kitties will start their own Global Struggle to End Douchebaggery. Hmmm, that may not be such a bad thing.

We tell them to exercise, eat right, then vom it all back up...

I knew there was a reason I don't like MySpace.

I wonder if they will use the corpse as a prop?

Well, duh. See? Our fearless leader...

The Freshmaker

Race Relations in the US Post Civil War= Best Class I Ever Took

According to my college advisor, the inimitable Jerald Podair, "Intellectual honesty means you don't make shit up." Too bad Tracy Costin never took his class; she may have avoided this whole mess.

In her defense, she didn't exactly make it up; she did poll cats and dogs. Maybe PETA can fund her appeal.

P.S. Buy his book. Jerry Podair's, that is. It's in my top five favorite books. Until hi next few books come out.

Oh Yeah, It's All Coming Together

John Hodgman, Author of Areas of My Expertise
=

Bunsen Honeydew, founder of Muppet Labs

Day Of Pet Violence Continues

There's just a surfeit of fucked up stories today.

Want to cry a little bit? The Wonketteers deserve a Pulitzer for their heartbreaking expose of bloodthirsty Park Police.

Craigslist to the rescue!

Can You Get Away With That On Network TV?

Via the Pyggies in a Blanket: Either Law and Order (probably CSI) or Weeds needs to make an episode from this ridiculously fucked up story. C'mon, let's put the sheer terror back in terrorism!

Aestheticization of Kitty Violence

A well-meaning co-worker forwarded me "Mewvies", enthusing that my cats will "just adore it!!!!!!!" Now, for all of you who think that I'm a cat person, this is an example of a true crazy cat lady. Who knows, maybe she has good reason; maybe she comes home to ome scene of adorable cuddly cuteness, comme ca:

Whereas increasingly, I feel like I'm coming home and stepping into a war zone:

Yesterday, the canopy over my bed, one of my supremely cool wine glasses made from an old recycled Perrier bottle and the flowers that were sitting so prettily in it, and several of the Object's toes dangling off the end of the were clawed up and masticated, casualties of a regime of cute destruction.

How many more knicknacks must suffer before the kitties' reign of terror is over?

Probably a lot, as I've just sort of resigned myself to the quotidian naughtiness. This morning, as the Kitty Who Isn't Staying clawed the hell out of my box springs, the Object looked at me incredulously, crying "Make him stop! Boundaries!"

"Eh," I replied. "I've kind of given up."

(Yet another reason I should definitely NOT have children.)

In any case, I cannot netflix the Mewvies because I let the kitties watch American Psycho last night, and the last thing I want to hear from anyone's mouth is "I have to return some videotapes". Especially since I keep forgetting to cut their claws. They'd work out some kind of crazy Domo Kun weaponry, and the next thing you know, I'm not getting my deposit back when I move out.

Sunday Is The Lord's Day

Because if the kangaroos, koalas, kookaburras, climbing, surfing, delicious beer and wine, Dynonessies, and fish-eating sharks weren't enough to convince you that Australia is a happy, magical land, they export journalists to flirt with members of Fred Phelp's Westboro Baptist Church (slogan: "If you're weak enough to be brainwashed, you deserve to be brainwashed"):

It's Almost Like the Goo Report is Back

So the last several Fridays have been dedicated to getting to the beach and/or climbing, hence the slacking on the Goo Report. But here it is, back in all its weird, fucked up glory.

Via DCist: I wonder if police could tell they were fake sleeping because they started smiling and muffling giggles?

Also, while we're on the subject of random thoughts, I want this job. A lot. My roommate's cat peed on the Patagonia catalogue yesterday, though; I think she's trying to tell me she'll miss me. Either that or she really hates quality technical wear.

Five-year old's passport rejected for being too slutty.

I'll bet this guy plays sugar cookie at the beach, too.

What do you do when get stoned and lose your pants? Crime spree!

And you thought Madison and Skylar were bad...

The Scourge, since he apparently no longer blogs himself, wanted Goo readers to be aware of the following: Poor puppy! I would not post this if they didn't save the mouse. Rats are ok to kill, cuz they're not cute.

Yay! Go Cubs! At least we're leading something!

One last thing, and this isn't so much news as it is random, but I like to pose the rhetorical question to the readers: fine, we all know about the b.s. no white after labor day rule, but do we have to go directly to turtlenecks? Shouldn't there be some interim stage? Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those turtleneck haters; I find them a comfy and warm alternative to a polo in winter, but seriously, it's 83 degrees here in DC. Before busting out the woolies, I propose a mandatory waiting period of three consecutive days below 65 degrees.

Who Knew?

The Object and I saw An Inconvenient Truth last night with Don.

Check it.

Did you know global warming is bad? I mean, it's like you know Hitler is bad. People who think Hitler was good are generally ostracized in modern society (hence the recent downfall of Melvin Gibstein). But then you go see Night and Fog, and you realize, whoa, that's really, really fucked up (it was the impetus for my interning at the Holocaust Museum after college, despite the fact that I was a U.S. history major).

Same thing with An Inconvenient Truth. The Object and Don- both professional tree huggers- figured they knew what there was to know about GW, but a good PowerPoint impresses everyone.

What really got me was the homeless polar bear, left to evolve very quickly into some kind of aquatic bear. While aquatic bears would be waaaaaay cool (even cooler than the armoured bears in His Dark Materials), it still made me sad, especially since the animated bear looks vaguely like the Christmassy Coca-Cola bear.

While I appreciate that peeps are taking their own initiative, if recent cartoons are indicators, their efforts are probably in vain.

Worse than nuclear winter, however: with the onslaught of GW, we can't enjoy the hilarity of winter related bloopers like this:
See why we need to fight global warming?

Kitty Porn

While I thought the FOUR (that's three too many) kitties who currently live in my house all hated each other- they spend 92.3% of their time chasing each other around vying for territory, and the remaining 7.7% of their time barfing, it turns out they've found a common bond: kitty porn.

I came home yesterday to find them all crowded around the lappy, ogling What Jeff Killed.

Ewwwww. Now I'm going to be spending 7.7% of my time barfing.

By the way, the ball of kitty cuteness in the sink is the kitty who came home with me for a temporary stay till he found a permanent home. That was two months ago. Anyone out there looking to adopt a 7 month old kitten? Even the Object, a confirmed cat hater, has been charmed by his adorability...

Don't Tread On Me!

Oh hellz no.

Yeah, Atlanta got their panda cub, woo to the hoo. We're all very happy for their jumping on the bandwagon more than a year late. But get your own cultural obsession, ok? This kind of shit will not stand:

S. O'BRIEN: Some big baby news to tell you about out of Atlanta this morning. The zoo there is celebrating the arrival of its first panda cub. Listen.

Yes, that's squeaking. That's little Butterstick 2.0. Remember the first Butterstick (INAUDIBLE)?

M. O'BRIEN: Yes, we do. There you can actually get a pretty good view there.

S. O'BRIEN: Yes, you really see the mom. But the baby, she's moving her head. You can see the baby a little bit. The mother's name is Lun Lun. She was in labor for 35 hours. Bummer. That is the longest labor recorded for a panda. And as tradition goes, they're going to wait 100 days before they name the panda. I bet the zoo's going to have a big old contest for that.

M. O'BRIEN: Oh, yes. and in Atlanta, probably hi yall, you think that? Just a thought.

S. O'BRIEN: No.

M. O'BRIEN: No.

S. O'BRIEN: I'm sure it won't be. Of course, 100 days, that means they expect the baby's actually going to survive and it also apparently takes a while to figure out if it's a little female butterstick or a little male butterstick.

M. O'BRIEN: Or could it be margarine? You don't know.

S. O'BRIEN: Stop it, please.

No, no, no. Butterstick, not butterstick. Capital B. Proper noun. Maybe you tools at CNN get confused, what with having the same name as each other and all, but even an idiot with the I.Q. of a morning talk show host can figure out that that there is only one stick of buttery panda goodness, and he lives in our nation's capital, representing all that is good and true about America. Which is why we're giving him back to China. The Zoo calls it diplomacy; economists call it cutesourcing.

In any case, because it seems that they need a little help in the originality department, here is a list of things that weigh 2 ounces, the size of a newborn panda:

• Ball of Yarn
  
• Tumor
• Bowel Movement
• Small Bottle of Tabasco
• Filled Hypodermic Needle
• Bullet

Couture Cruella

Hmmm. Something's missing, Laura.

Are you not impressed with my mad Microsoft Paint Skillz?

I still know Laura's going to Fashion Week, so I can poke a little fun.

Just Like Mom Used to Make

For some reason, the ladies' room at my office smells like CoCo Wheats.

Appetizing, true.

Disturbing, double true.

I don't like the idea of having my appetite whetted where I pee.

Obsession

I can't stop watching Noah Kalina. I've gone through this video so many times, trying to figure out if the changes in background were moves or redecorations, which days he was hungover, how his music tastes changed, when he broke up with lovers, when he started to switch from Gap clothes to American Apparel... it's a whole narrative without ever blinking.

Enjoy Your No Fat Decaf Latte, Too.

Disturbing trend alert:

Brilliant songs with stupid pointless videos.

Exhibit A:
Guillemots' (pronounce it Gilly-motts, then go out immediately and buy the album and the EP, as it is an early contender for album of the year) "Made Up Love Song Number 43" fromThrough The Windowpane:


It's the best song you've heard all year, right? But the only thing even remotely interesting in the video is the shopping cart in the background, which loses it's gimmicky appeal pretty quickly, since nothing happens to it.

Check their website. Don't you think with all that, they could have spared a spark or a dragon for the video?

Exhibit B:
Tapes N Tapes, "The Insistor" from The Loon

You're rawking out aren't you? Don't you want to go find the Object of Your Affection and reassure him that yes, YES! You WILL be his badger! But you have to close your eyes because the idea of the old time-y movie as music video is so boring and hackneyed, and so your love is lost, left without the knowledge that you'll be his bail bond.

So why even bother? Can any music video live up to the excellence of the songs? Or is it the diet caffeine free soda effect- you want something fizzy and refreshing, but you're not willing to sacrifice the calories or jittery feeling to make it a truly worthwhile treat? What's the point? Why not just drink some water? Or only make a video when you have a compelling concept? Don't sully my illusion of your brilliance with your Why Bother videos.

Crikey!

Say it:

"He died doing what he loved best."

OK, that's true, but Steve Irwin, who will be remembered as the "Crocodile Hunter," will also be remembered for a lasting legacy: most badass death ever.

In a tragic freak accident, Irwin was stung by the venemous barb of a stingray. After the 8-inch spear pierced his heart, Irwin pulled it out himself.

I wonder if he said "Crikey!" I sure as hell did.

While we're on the subject, the editors at The Independent apparently have never met an Australian before. "Unlike most Australians, who shrink from the tropical sun and shudder at the dangerous creatures that surround them, Steve Irwin was a man in tune with his environment."

Whozawhatnow?

Ummmmmm, first of all Australia is tropical? I mean, I know they have winter and summer all backwards, but tropical?

Secondly, it's been my experience that an Australian will never shrink away from anything. Pretty much within five minutes of meeting an Aussie, they'll be your new best friend and ask you how you prefer to risk your life with them- snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef or setting up a new climb in the Arapiles, all the winking at you with a broad crinkly smile on their eternally suntanned faces. An afternoon with an Australian doesn't tend towards finding a quiet firelit nook, it involves delicious wine and beer and an injection of homemade adreneline. And isn't that the whole charm of Steve Irwin, and by extension, Aus?

Maybe I just want to be back on the beach, surfing, but I think The Independent should shut its hole and everyone should go hunt their own metaphoric crocodile.

Farewell, Steve Irwin, badassest guy in the world.