Thursday, May 31, 2007

In the Closet With Kitty

I'm worried that the LOL cats have opened a door to my past, one that I had hoped was tightly sealed.

See, with all the popularity of the LOL cats, it's become much more socially acceptable to speak in public about cats- or better yet, to speak in public as a cat- in Kitteh, or LOLspeak. In the past few days, the following comments have been made to me by non-cat owning, ostensibly normal peoples:

  • "[The groom] has such a big, shit-eating grin. I can has wife?!"
  • Oh hai, I'z wondrin bout our plans for caturday?
  • I has a computer! Im in ur internets, doin som werkz.
I'm particularly sensitive about the cats, though, because of my checkered past.

Yes, peoples of the internet, I am finally ready to tell you the awful truth:

I am the spawn of the crazy cat lady.

True story:

On my birthday, I received an email from someone with the exact same name as me. For a moment, it seemed plausible that one night, in a drunken fit of birthday preparation fervor, I had created a secret email account for myself and sent myself a bizarre birthday wish:

Happy-Happy-Happy Birthday. I hope it's a beautiful day for you. I wiil pray for you and your choices in a special way today.

P.S. Bainz and Robie [the cats] will take a special nap for you today ---probably in my bed!

Then I remembered that my mother has the exact same name as me, which is why I started going by my middle name. My mother, a staunch luddite, believes that little Japanese men live in the computer and push the cursor around the screen. Not unlike this (give it a minute to load). And so, afraid that too much internet usage is a slippery slope down the trail to Hiroshima, part deux, she avoids electronic communiques like the plague. But apparently, the kitties, in between their dedicated nap sessions, taught her how to use the interwebs, and now she types out emails to unsuspecting offspring. Then they all go pray the rosary and knit1.

And so, I live in fear, knowing that I am but one generation removed from this. Much like using smiley face emoticons, speaking kitteh is just one step down an winding path to crazy, which is why I tries sooooo hard to avoidz it. Sometimes I ignore my own cat for five or six seconds, just to prove that I can quit any time I want. I can feel it in my blood, and I suppress my crazy cat lady tendencies. While currently I live with four cats (full disclosure, one of those is my roommate, whose name is Kat), when I move out July 1st, I will henceforth restrict myself to one cat at a time (unless there's a really cute orphan cat who needs to be rescued from a fraternity, which is how I acquired my kitty). I try to wear only one cat-themed item in my outfit at any given time, despite how cute my ninja kitty shoes could look with my ninja kitty track jacket.

There are levels to the kitty madness, and I recognize that. I am mortified by the thought of my own mother and the kitty prayer circles she leads. But my friends' crazy families get a little more leeway. I pretended to be disgusted, although I was secretly charmed, when I heard the story of Maverick: When my friend's last sibling moved out of her parents' house, her mother adopted a cat, whom she named Maverick. She then proceeded to create "situations" for Maverick, such as starting a "Maverick for President" campaign, complete with buttons and campaign flyers passed out to neighbors, mailmen, and friends who never came back more than once. I believe Maverick also had a website where one could cast their vote for Maverick's campaign themesong, which is where Hillary got the idea in the first place.

I try my best not to talk about kitty too much.


But it's hard. A few months ago, I participated in a focus group for cat owners, where I learned a very important lesson: while my cat is cute, interesting, and full of antics that I spend my time anthropomorphizing, other people's cats are boring. Also, fat. And while cats are cool, people who worship them are not.

But with all the people speaking in cat tongues, I'm finding it harder and harder to suppress my urges, and not to hang up pictures of kitty in my workspace (I compensate with pictures of the panda and my niece, who I've never actually met.). And I think we all know that the ninja kitty track jacket is only one step removed from the puffy paint patriotic pink sweatshirt.

And so it seems, the more Kitteh there is, the more my fate is inexorably sealed. And so, some days I must give in, snuggle up next to kitty, and enjoy the fact that despite all the stereotypes and the judgment, I always have someone to claw at my face at four in the morning, asking me, "I can has you to play nocturnal creaturez? You ken be mai quarry!"

But I will never, ever bathe him. That is a mistake a cat owner makes once- and only once.

1.Did I mention that my mother knits for a living? No, seriously, I'm not making this up.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I Feel Like A Magpie Today

It may have something to do with the little men who have long overstayed their residence in my spine and yet continue to jab me in the hip with their sharp little spears. Or it may just be that chronic pain is controlled by the limbic system, which, not incidentally, also controls emotions. Which makes me want to swoop down on people and peck their skulls, all Woody Woodpecker style.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

For The Woman Who Appreciates A Fine Taxidermied Unicorn

In honor of Dynoness' birthday, I offer you unicorn goodness for all you nonbelievers.

Friday, May 25, 2007


It's a Pickle

Saturday, June 2nd. Pipettes concert, right? Woohoo!

Buuuuuuuuuuut, then I found out that Flight of the Conchords, New Zealand's most popular pop folk parody duo, will be at the Rock 'n' Roll Hotel.

What's a girl to do?!?!?

On the one hand, here's a clip of Flight of the Conchords, introduced by Craig Ferguson, who sometimes I like to close my eyes and just listen to the sound of his voice and dream dreamy thoughts.

On the other hand, there are the Pipettes.

But then you find the youtubes of them live without the studio effects dubbed over them. And they start to seem like they wouldn't be much fun live.


And Flight of the Conchords seems like they might be pretty awesome live.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Note To Self: Learn Japanese

It sounds like the guy is saying "psych!" to the mermaid in this commercial. For a minute I wanted to know what they're saying, but I bet it's nowhere near as awesome as I've made it in my mind.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It's a Present, But Not Really.

As we start figuring out this whole Officially In A Long-Term Relationship business, The Object of My Affection and I often have to articulate our stances on certain issues, and figure out which amalgamation of The Way of Doing Things we're going to adopt. This weekend, we're going to a wedding and now face the task of choosing a present jointly.

And with that in mind, I present to you the Object's feelings on giving alternative gifts:

"I'd would rather buy myself two wells in China than be given one as a gift. Giving a charity gift is a cop-out and getting one just sucks."

Sometimes I just don't fight it.

That said, there are some awesome gifts to give out there. The following is but a short list of what should be on our friends' wedding registry:

Monday, May 21, 2007

MiowOL Cats

I can quit the little fuckers whenever I want.

LOL cats, that is.

Look at this one I made!

But you know what's funnier than LOL cats? LOL objects.

If you're like me, you've already trawled through all of the archives on I Can Has Cheezburger, and the paltry four posts a day or whatever just ain't cutting it. I am here to provide you with the latest and greatest in LOL cats.

Is anyone else starting to feel inspired to make verb trees and see how case theory applies to LOL catspeak? This sounds suspiciously like something Google grants would fund. I think it would really push the field in new and better directions, especially if theories were applied in actual LOL cat form. Observe:

Friday, May 18, 2007

Developing News

You know, I probably wouldn't have had to rewrite my report on Outreach for Hematology-Related Institutions In Developing Areas (scintillating title, n'est pas) if I had used an algorithm instead of Yakko's song.

Cultural Supremacy!

Awwww, did all of you have a hard time getting up this morning? Was it because it's all dreary and depressing out, and days like this should automatically be given over to a mug of steaming hot tea, a cuddly kitty and/or Object, and a good book to snuggle up under the covers with?

Or was it the knowledge that you're a little less American than me, a native born Chicagoan?

Suck on that, commie pinkos!

(Photo Credit!)

Thursday, May 17, 2007


An epic battle is being waged in the forests of Winchester, Virginia.

No, it is not the age old battle between shark and man.
Nor is it the battle for Sabertoothed Jackelope supremacy.
It is not Tyrannosaur's1 painful battle with acne.
It is not even the battle for proper pronunciation.
You see, survival has been, is, and always will be a way of life in the animal kingdom. You don't believe me? Check it:
Don't ask me how Tyrannosaurus's weensy little hand reached all the way over to Titanosaurus's belly; why there isn't a herd of Titanosauri behind that one, anything about the height ratio, and good lord knows we shouldn't mention anything about Titanosaurus's extraordinarily powerful tail. All of these are unimportant minutiae of evolution. There is a clear winner here. It is the carnivore, simply because he's the carnivore. That's what you get for eating your veggies, kids.

Don't believe me? Carnivore always wins, as we learned from "The Conquering Carnivore":
On her deathbed, Apatosaurus shed a bloody tear.
A few other details were left out of the explanations at DINOSAURLAND!!! Apparently, being a carnivore also provides one with a freakishly long tongue, since Tyrannosaurus can only wave his appendages uselessly in the general direction of his quarry.
Alas, we may never know why Triceratops kept busy sniffing Tyrannosaurus's butt rather than assisting in his compatriot's goring of the Conquering Carnivore.

Nor will we ever know why Woody Woodpeckersaurus is so shocked by his freakishly large hands.
But we do know, that given a gift shop, models, and ample time, all evolved beings will stop to recreate the epic battle.

1.Seriously, they call that thing a Tyrannosaurus.

Jeff Goldberg Sheepishly Admits To Being Antichrist

When you rearrange the letters of the word "pogrom", you almost get "program", as in, get with the program, Jeffery Goldberg. You're male, alive, and Jewish, ergo, you are the Antichrist.

"I've always been possessed by the delusional notion that I am to play a major role in world history, so why not a role in the End of Days?"

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who will admit this in writing. For a brief moment, when I saw this article and despite the fact that I only fulfill the "alive" criterion, I thought being the Antichrist would be a really easy way to achieve that. But then I remembered that the Antichrist would bring about the apocalypse, and no one would even be around to read about me in the history books.

Sigh, back to the delusions of grandeur drawing board.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


Look at what the GREATEST PLACE ON EARTH features:

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Free At Last, Free At Last! Thank God Almightly, Free At Last!

What will the world be like now that Jerry Falwell is gone?

Oh, Tinky Winky, shake your purse in the air like you just don't care.

Get Behind Me!

"As a faithful believer in the exact same Jesus that Jerry Falwell so faithfully served as a fellow Christian who believed in the same Jesus all Christians so faithfully believe in..."

I'm glad Romney will specify which Jesus he was talking about, since I would have been wholly insulted is he had sullied the good name of the Jesus I believe in: Jesus, my office building landscaper, that is. He talks a pretty good talk, and I like the cut of his jib.

You know what Satan is doing right now?


Elitism Just Isn't What It Used To Be

Despite widespread perceptions to the contrary, minimum security prison camps are not reserved for former congressmen and CEOs.

"Frequently, the fights are caused by those lowlife drug dealers, who hog the communal TV sets and will beat you up if you try to change the channel."

That sounds suspiciously like my childhood. Lowlife brothers!

A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Do Again

Guess where I went this weekend?!?!?!

A hint:

Monday, May 14, 2007

Another Fun Conversation

True Story:

Scene: The Object of My Affection and I are driving around DC, discussing decorating plans for our upcoming domestic effort.

Goo: We should paint a huge mural of a wave in the living room. Oh, and lots of fake guitars, for when an air guitar just won't cut it. A taxidermied unicorn would look absolutely lovely in the foyer, you know. And robots for the kitchen, natch. Maybe stencils of the dinosaurs surfing over the giant wave in the living room? We should definitely call the spare room the study and then decorate it like the Clue board game. We already have the rope and the candlestick; we just need need a lead pipe, a wrench...

Object [interrupting]: Whoa, slow down there a minute. While I can definitely see the taxidermied unicorn, we need to sit down and look at this rationally. The most important aspect of any decorating or house decision is that it be sensible and practi--

The Object pauses as the Topsy Turvy bus drives the other way past us.

Object: What the fuck was that?

Billy Burroughs winks at me from heaven.

These Are The People In My Neighborhood

Here are some fun conversations I've had lately:

Man on Sidewalk: Sir, can ya spare some change? Just a little change, sir?
Goo: NO, because I AM A GIRL.
Man on Sidewalk: Well you should start looking like one, then.
Goo: Thank you, what a thoughtful suggestion.


Disheveled Woman Walking Down the Street: [cheerfully] Happy Mother's Day!
Goo: Oh, why happy Mother's Day to you, too!
Disheveled Woman: Mine was a beautiful day!
Goo: I'm glad to hear it; I'm sure you deserve it!
Disheveled Woman: God bless! And if you ever come back around here again, I will beat your big black ass! Don't never let me catch you round the Safeway again, I will cut you into little pieces of... [walks away, still ranting]

Well, I guess I've always wondered what it would be like to be a big, black man.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Oops I Was Wrong.

All You Need To Get You Through Friday

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Vulnerability Corner

Quick show of hands:

How many of you out there are in a fairly committed and/or long-term relationship?
Ok, thanks.

And of those of you out there in such a relationship, how many of you are about to embark on a pretty significant undertaking with you significant other? You know, getting married, having a baby, cohabitating, retiring to the hills together, buying a house together, starting a band together, starting a business together, going through the green card process together, y'know, all that good stuff. C'mon, don't be shy, I know you're out there.

Ok, good. Thanks.

Now of those people, how many of you are really into your significant other, i.e. you could picture them in your mind's eye and it would bring a warm smile to your face? And how many of you are really excited not only to be undertaking this major life event, but also really stoked that you're undertaking it specifically with your significant other, just because it means that you get to have that much more time on this earth with a person you care about?

Hmmm, great, thanks.

Ok, now how many of you, not despite that warm smile on your face, but because of it sometimes wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with the urge to get out while you still can, before whatever it is that makes it so good and makes you excited to embark on this major undertaking fades and you're left homeless and alone with only a big messy wad of pain that is the detritus of an ended relationship to keep you warm?

No one? Really?

Yeah, me neither.

My feelings are fucking invincible, and I have never, ever, not even once second-guessed my decisions, since they are always perfect. Just like this guy.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I Think I Love This Man

Remember back when getting mail was so much fun? Back when there was nothing more exciting than the garbage truck showing up and gobbling up all the trash, getting a letter was a sign that I was important, that I had gravitas1. I've lost a lot of faith not only in the post office (I do have to say that our postmistress impresses me, since she's constantly stoned but still reads my New Yorker) but also in the content of the post. Now I just get a wad of credit card applications, checks from the bank that I didn't ask for but are a huge liability and so sit around my house until I have there wherewithall to take them to work to put through the shredder, and about thirty envelopes trying to scare me into re-refinancing my student loans2 .

But before my cynicism can fully germinate, along comes the letter project.

And also, letters are a great way to break up.

1. True story, last night, the Object's dad was in town, which is always a good time. At one point, I mentioned that now that I'm 27, I have gravitas. He laughed out loud. This is consistent with every other person's reaction when I have said that.
2. By the way, let's just make the connection here: I don't think this story is purely incidental to predatory lending practices...

Monday, May 07, 2007

Ten Signs Your Weekend Was Spent Properly Sqaundering Your Youth

  1. You go to the National/Arcade Fire concert that RAWKed so hard, you spend the rest of the weekend pumping your fist during every conversation, including the one where your eight-months pregnant friend tells a joke about a horse named Fleabiscuit
  2. You sport your new ninja kitty track jacket with built-in laser-shooting star elbow patches (pewpewpew) from a designer who you’re pretty sure is secretly yourself (no, for reals, the Gama-Go baby line is called the Goo line; they sell a line of ninja kitty wear, and have air guitar couch cushions. And you already saw the laser shooting star patches. Cue the creepy music)
  3. Someone buys into your claim that you’re a freelance writer and editor and decides to pay you for such work on a regular basis
  4. You throw a party, at which two of the Object of Your Affection’s friends admit that they think that after dating their friend for a year and a half, you’re alright and a good match for their friend
  5. You discover the second season of the Muppet Show will be released on DVD August 7th
  6. Upon waking up the morning after your party, you find the following note to self: “Start a band called The Church Belligerent. Write number-one hit called You Never Made Me A Chainmail Dildo."
  7. Also upon waking, you find your room littered with sah-weet birthday presents, including a Punky Brewster-style summer scarf, an illustration not unlike this one depicting Gunter from the Unexpected Normalcy in the Winners of the Lives of This Year's Beard and Moustache Championship, a handpainted pysanka, and more bottles of booze than you can drink at a New Jersey roller derby
  8. You already have plans to attend a New Jersey roller derby next weekend
  9. You then receive the best birthday present of all when, still curled up in bed, the Object hands you a Calvin and Hobbes, a steaming mug of tea, and declares, “I have one last birthday present for you; stay in bed while I clean up the party.”
  10. Your team finally wins (you keep it to yourself that it was a pretty sloppy game, though)

Friday, May 04, 2007

Well. There It Is.

Don't Sip Your Coffee Before This One

Whatever the GOP presidential candidates are lacking in finesse and political savvy, they are making up for with bad pasketti western allusions:

Romney: He is going to pay and he will die.

McCain: We will bring him to justice. I will follow him to the gates of hell.

So there you have it, a reason to vote for a Mormon- at least he's not stupid enough to flaunt that he's actually in league with the devil.

This Isn't Gonna Do Much For Satellite Radio

Via stereogum, the worst indie list ever.

Although Love Will Tear Us Apart would be a great wedding song, an anthem? Huh.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

If Only He Weren't So Cute and Fuzzy

Sigh, I had to have the same exact interaction on my birthday when the Object brought by cupcakes of every flavor that Cake Love offers. Kitty loves lemon vanilla.

You know what kitty gets on his birthday? Jack shit. He's a cat, people.

A Happy Duck Story

So, if I point out that Lucy is related to me (that's my adorable niece), do I get to share a little bit of the cuteness glory by extension? And as long as we're getting gushy, the shoes! The little pink shoes!!!!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The Goo Report: No More Spraypainted Black Tulips

Well Hello There, Bloggy Peoples!

I missed you, too! I'm back from the three-day bacchanal in the land of sherbet-colored clothes with little creatures embroidered on them. Why yes, I am talking about the Foxfield races. Did you know that there is a color called Nantucket Red, which gives boys an excuse to wear pink? I laughed, too.

This may be the best morning ever. All the beautiful things that heaven bears are raining down around us and making the world a wonderful place to live today. What? You need proof? That can only mean that it's Goo Report time!

  • So, when you're an artist, how can you tell you've made it? Why, when someone gets a tattoo of your work! This is by far the coolest thing that's happened to any of my friends ever.
  • Hey, what's better than a revolving restaurant? REVOLVING SKYSCRAPER.
  • The Pipettes are FINALLY coming to DC. Does anyone want to dress up in polka dots and wear tortoise framed glasses and come up with synchronized dances with me? We could be the Pipettettes! Hmmmm, we may need to have a Goo Contest. I asked the Object if he would be The Cassettes, and he said something quite tawdry about being the Pipe in my Pipette.
  • China, you win this round in the battle for cultural supremacy. But we still have the Stick.
  • I can has syntaxsis? Turns out there are rules to those LOL cats being so funny.
  • Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch. For reals. He got his title after conquering the crunchberries and creating a colony, over which he ruled for several decades and eventually, in the specious name of democracy, left it when its resources were depleted so that a civil war broke out between the warring factions of the crunchberries and the peanut butter nuggets.
  • Oh, it's my birthday! Today, Staff Appreciation Week at my office- wherein staff has been massaged, given money, had stress-reducing yoga workshops, an afternoon at the movies, and a scavenger hunt at the Air & Space Museum- will culminate in a luncheon at Nora. With wine pairings. And we don't have to work afterwards! This may be the best birthday since the first one I can remember. When I was about four or so, my parents called me in from playing outside, and had fixed all my favorite foods. My brothers weren't allowed to beat me up all night, and my place at the dinner table had balloons and streamers all over it. After dinner and turtle pie ice cream cake, I got the My Little Pony Dream Castle AND Transformers to storm the MY Little Pony Dream Castle. I had no idea what was going on; my family had to explain the whole birthday concept to me. Birthdays have pretty much been getting better ever since, and it doesn't hurt that this time of year is when all the flowers are in bloom and everyone is thrilled to be alive. Oh, and it's international workers day! To celebrate, I'll be on the porch of Cheif Ike's tonight, sipping margaritas, you're all welcome to join!