Thursday, November 30, 2006

Wolcum Yole!

Ahhhhh, the advent of the Christmas season in the land of Goo is heralded by chapters of the serial radio program, The Cinnamon Bear. You should be on Chapter Two- Judy and Jimmy are off to Maybeland to go look for the Silver Star that that motherfucker the Crazy Quilt Dragon stole.

Let the Christmas soundtrack begin- really, you only need two albums: Benjamin Britten's Ceremony of Carols, which, along with John Denver and the Muppets sing Christmas, are the only Christmas musicks you really need.

Oh, and if all you hepcats out there think you are Joanna Newsom sycophants, you cannot truly be one without knowing Britten's harp works. And as long as we're on the subject, did any of the peeps out there who went to the DC show see the awesome Pitchfork review of her tour? It may shed a little light on why she didn't play an encore (I'm still absolutely convinced that was her decision, not the Black Cat's).

"Newsom took the stage, in a glossy red dress, to thunderous applause. "She's so cute!" people squealed. She told a story about playing a "sleepy show" in D.C. [the show that was apparently not worth an encore] the previous night, vowed that tonight would be different."


Wait a minute, isn't Ys a series of ten minute classical harp compositions? Sorry, but Joanna Newsom doesn't exactly put one in an Eddie Argos top-of-the-pubs fever. What does she want? The peoples to completely rawk out? Fist pumping? Headbanging? If so, she should have smashed her harp with the saw or something. That would have been fucking sweet.
Sometimes I like to play this game called "Good Idea, Bad Idea", wherein I do something stupid that seems like a good idea at the time. For example, drinking, and then doing the awesome buttshake dance- generally a good idea. But add crutches into the mix and all of a sudden it's not such a good idea. Hence, I missed the Hold Steady show Saturday night. It was brutal, the Object and Wonkette arrived Chez Goo only to find me wearing my silver party pants, writhing in agony, and sobbing hysterically about missing the show I bought tickets for two months ago. In any case, apparently the Object had such a good time that his neck still hurts from the rawklash.

So here's my question about the Hold Steady- why does everyone seem to need to point out that they can read? Is this unusual for a rock band?

"Similarly, the Hold Steady are clearly a literate bunch."

"...We should be so lucky to have every barroom outfit aspire to the raging, literate wail of the Brooklyn-via-Minneapolis group." Well, that could easily be solved if they turned off the football game in the bar and put on some episodes of Sesame Street.

"The Hold Steady's literate brand of rock is way above average." You mean they got a B+ on their language arts quiz?

Literary does not equal literate!

Similarly, have you heard that Michael Richards is "racial" and "profane"? I mean, it's one thing to be part of a distinct population of humans based on one's skin color, but to be not sacred, well, that's just unforgiveable.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Thanks, Kitty!

I thought that my constant feelings of guilt and insecurity were a product of my Roman Catholic upbringing, but it turns out they're a pressie from kitty. The upside is that "women who are infected with the parasite tend to be warm, outgoing and attentive to others." Maybe that explains why I'm an INFJ, despite the fact that everyone is convinced that I'm an extrovert- kitty makes me outgoing! Of course, the sad irony is that those feelings of sociability mean that poor kitty is left home alone, pining away for my company while I go out more than I probably would were I not infected with kitty critters.

Eh, he's got his "special" pillow.

You just really don't want to know what goes on there.

While we're on the subject of kitty, I was checking out presents for my mom, who is the archetypical cat lady. I came across one of the Amazon listmanias that had all kinds of cool presents for kitty, and at the bottom, it suggested you buy (I assume for kitty) an American flag decal.

Wait a minute, why does kitty need an American flag sticker? I'm going to have to agree with Bucky Katt on this one, cats should not be involved with politics, or next thing you know, the most anti-people candidate will be running the country: Pat Buchanan.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Note to Self: Move to India, Get Servants

This just in from Ranee Ani, who, as we all know, is living in India these days.

I got really sick last week. I had a temp of 103 for almost 3 days straight. It sucked. I guess I had some kind of viral infection. I think the infection's over now, but I'm still sick and I think it's just from the antibiotics. Keshav (her fiance) passed the 'taking care of me while I'm sick' test -- with flying colors. Among other things, he taught the servants to make me grilled cheese sandwiches exactly the way I like them.

Monday, November 27, 2006

All I Want For Christmas

Dear Santa,

As it turns out, your elves have made the only toy I ever need. If you just give me the Avenging Unicorn Playset, and effigies of my family, friends, and co-workers, I will never ask for anything again.

The Goo

Saturday, November 25, 2006

David Blaine, Please Do Not Kill Me Using Only Your Mind

What if David Blaine did a stunt and no one cared? Seriously, this latest gyroscope seems to be about poorly manufactured hype, suspisciously similar to that Big Lots Christmas Elf contest1.

Here's my question: David Blaine got out of the shackles and led 100 children on the "shopping spree of their dreams". Of their dreams? Really? Cuz when I was a little girl, a five hundred dollar gift card would't have bought a pony, much less the flying chesnut brown sparkly talking pony I dreamt would whisk me away from my awful parents, who thought that ripping the pink ribboned wallpaper off my walls was not an appropriate means of self-expression 2. Alls I'm saying is that David Blaine is not in touch with the dreams of small children. Considering what he would probably do with those dreams if he got his hands on them, I guess that's a good thing.

When you think of all the cost it took to pay David Blaine, secure city permits, do the PR, and, of course,set up a gyroscope, you wonder why they just didn't give the kids all that money. At least that way the kids could buy some PowerWheels or a dinosaur3 something.

I'm very curious as to what would have happened if David Blaine didn't get out of the gyroscope and had to be rescued- would those 100 little kids just be SOL?

1.I have no idea who actually voted for that. I hope none of you actually know what I'm talking aboutif you do, you're probably one of the suckedy parents who bought your kids VTech "educational" products instead of the new Wii, which looks so fucking cool. While we're on the topic of the Wii, how many fat little kids used the following to implore their parents to buy them the Wii: "You have to move to play it; I'll get exercise!" And how many parents do you think are actually buying it? I don't want to think about that anymore. Huzzzz.

2. I don't care if I was destroying their walls, they were stifling my dreams!. If I'd only had a shitty warehouse space and some coked out friends, that could have been a great performance piece.
3.Yet another eason not to have kids- do you really want to bring up your kids in a world were they can't have their own dinosaur? Me neither.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Happy Pumpkin Day!

I don't understand why people get all hepped up about the turkey- it's a gristly, grainy, stinky, dry, non-delicious bird.

But pumpkin? Ahhh, pulpy mush of the gods. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin fudge, pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin butter, pumpkin soup, pumpkin beer: it goes on and on, and it's all so delicious! I've had enough of pumpkin getting maligned by its not being the focal point of the holiday. So from now on, I would like to sing songs about pumpkin (I seem to recall there being one about 5 little pmpkins sitting on a gate- that's a good start) and trace pens around closed fists to make pretty pumpkins with smiley faces and pilgrim hats- fists are way more fun than open palms.

Also, I'm working out a version for vegetarian turducken. I'll keep you all posted.

Oh, and what I'm thankful for?
A. Trader Joe's organic canned pumpkin
B. The new Pepto Bismol commercial with the vaguely Optimus Prime-like character

What can I say? It's been a good year.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I Was Screwed.

Joanna Newsom is touring England with her whole Van Dyke Parkey-arranged orchestra. I bet she plays an encore at those shows.

I secretly wish she would make a recording of Ys with the entourage she had at the concert at the Black Cat last Friday. The sound was pared down and not nearly as epic as the album, but it worked really, really well- much more like the Rennaissance minstrel sound she seems to be going for. It certainly warranted an encore. Not that I'm bitter.

Also, request of Black Cat Attendees at the upcoming Hold Steady show- can you guys not talk so much since my stupid walking stix relegate me tosit in the back? Alternatively, could people in the front maybe prop me up so I can get my groove on without crutching someone in the leg? It's becoming ever more evident that I need some minions. Fawning sycophants at the very least.

Of course, such a request leads to a deeper metaphysical question:

Is a Hold Steady show worth going to if you can't complete rawk out? There are no Cripple McCrutchysons on the album cover, leading me to believe that they are not included under the rubrick of Boys and Girls in America. Maybe I'm not even welcome at the concert?!?!?!

The Handicapable Adventure Continues

People have no middle ground when it comes to the crutches, nor can they ignore them. Everyone feels compelled to comment. Real life experiences of yesterday show this can go one of two ways:

Scenario 1: On The Way To Work
I sit down in the seats reserved on the bus for people with seniority and people with handicapability. Bus fills up, all seats are taken, smooshy-standing room only. I hug my crutches and smile, knowing I have a full seven minutes of seated, cramped bliss before I have to get up and hobble accross the unevenly paved sidewalks again. The four blocks from the bus stop to my office have been my Gethsemane of late, but that's about to change: Crotchety Old Guy gets on the bus.

"Y'all need to tighten up back there! Make some room! Tighten it up back there, there's planty of room on this bus for all of us!"

Crotchety Old Guy sees me and asks for my seat- maybe he doesn't see the crutches? When I point to them and say I'd rather sit, he snaps back, "You're young, you can handle it! I've been in constant pain every day for the last thirty years!" Older dude sitting next to me offers Crotchety Old Guy a seat. "No thank you, son. I just am tired of seeing these young 'uns1 gettin' away with sittin' in the old folkses' chairs. Rabble rabble rabble rabb..." He's starting to sound like John Lydon, so I drown him out with Post Plethoric Rhetoric.

Scnario 2: On The Way Home From Work:
Midway through block number two of my four block hell, a younger guy with impossibly large gauged2 ears stops me. He busts out a ten dollar bill.

"Take a cab home today."

Fuck. Yeah.

The Question of the Day: How can I jerryrig an umbrella to the crutches? I think know I need some minions.

1Yeah, he actually said young 'uns. Almost better than utes.

2Seriously, this guy must be the inspiration for the song "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" I used to think that was about Henry Kissinger. I'm not sure why.

So THIS is Love!

I hate to get all schmoopy on you, but I had to share some recent pillow talk gems:

"You know what the great part about not having kids is? We'll never have to stay together for the sake of the children."

"If you get pregnant, you're on your own!"

Ahh, sweet nothings.

As if I needed another reason not to have kids, here's one courtesy of Natalie Dee:

See? It's for my future non-kids' own good.

Feeling Homesick, Expats?

This one goes out to all the peeps who used to live in DC, but now live in weirdo places like India and Spain. Warm and fuzzy Mount Pleasant feelings!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Full DIsclosure: I Have an Organic Valley Lunch Sack

The most unsurprising news of late: Wal-Mart's organics aren't so much organic. Shocked? Me neither.
Other sources, thanks to Grist. Priceless quote of the day? "To claim that Organic Valley -- a co-op of family farms -- is somehow a rival of the largest retailer on earth is not just bullshit but truly baffling."

Monday, November 20, 2006

My Handicapable Life

I broke myself again. Oops. It's a hip thing. Undetermined time on crutches. Details unimportant. The downside of it all is that I can't walk at all on my right leg, so I'm dependent on on other people, which I'm not so good at. So far, everyone's been really nice about it, but I don't want them to be privy to my weird predilections. Take coffee, for example:

Girl Who Works Next To Me: I'm going to grab some coffee, do you want me to bring you some?
Me: Sure, thanks.
GWWNTM: How do you take it?
Me: Brew one cup of "heavenly hazelnut". Then dump 1/3 of it out and add half a packet of hot chocolate mix with the marshmallows picked out. Then fill the mug with skim milk from the fridge in the back of the office. Microwave it for 27 seconds- 30 will scald the milk and 25 won't be hot enough, so make sure it's really 27 seconds.It should be good to go then. Thanks.

Maybe I'll drink water for the time being. Or start training Kitty.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


1. As much as I hate to do anything but abhor the Baldwins, I've come to the conclusion that Alec Baldwin, though extremely limited in his scope of acting abilities, is pretty goddamn funny.
A. Evidence:
i. State and Main: "And then that happened!"
ii. 30 Rock, which I actually now watch, since it's on after the Office, which is the only show I make an effort to watch now that Project Runway is (sob) gone. 1

Hey, the Norse like him.

1 Boo. I miss it

Without Project Runway, We're Doomed

Has anyone noticed that one of the biggest trends of the past year is the Abramoff look? I think leg irons will nicely complement fall's leggings and flats.

Nancy Pelosi may be the presumptive most powerful woman in the nation, but she's still reduced to a blue-grey pantsuit. There's a reason DC has a dearth of street style blogs. More red pinstripes!

So it's not necesarily fashion, but it's definitely style-related: Sparky Polastri is behind the ad campaigns of Gatorade, eBay, MetLife:

Advertisers are marketers who have gone retarded.

We're Back!

Whoa, sorry about the nonpostage- Blogger decided to eat part of the Goo template. But the Goo is back!
As a concilatory gesture, here are some fun things for your consideration:
The Stick is feeling the lack of Tian Tian's influence:

Haikus about the fall t.v. lineup from the Pyggies.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Wait Just A Minute...

The Perfect Pair of Bunny Slippers Are
A. Surprisingly hard to find
B. Too expensive when they are found
C. For your DOG

That's right, C.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Goo Report

Know them, love them, but most impotantly, pepper your speech with Simpsons neologisms.

Hitler was a good cheerleader- didn't you see that exhibit at the Holocaust Museum? Führerific! By the way, note the name of the newspaper- I bet you didn't realize the Power Puff Girls were such journalists!

Standardized test crushes student's will, kills all puppies in a three mile radius.

Viking ship to ply North Sea; no invasion planned. Why even bother?

"The British fear their once famously polite nation is now more renowned for binge drinking and loutish behavior than for the popular image of rolled umbrella and stiff upper lip." Britain would be such a better nation if they took that sentence and replaced the word "fear" with the word "hope".

In other British news, you no longer have to be funny to be a comedian; you just have to have the right face.

Gamblor strikes again! If you gamble on water, it's not a vice.

Finally, someone has a flanswer to the culinary query of the millenium.

The Sun Times calls this antler stabbing a perefctly cromulent accident... The Goo knows better. ZOMBIE DEER. It's kind of like chronic wasting disease, but a little more emphasis on the undead.

What you didn't know about Canada:"Gettliffe has been held in custody in an institution in B.C.'s Fraser Valley institution since then. That prompted her current common-law husband, Francis Gruzelle, to describe life in Canadian prisons as 'worse than Guantanamo.' "

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Happy Electoween!

Way to go everyone; God's way pissed off now. It was not in His Plan for the commie terrorists to take over. And WOMEN commies at that!

Fortunately, you can get back on His good side by adhereing to His Special Plan for you and your health.

Our contemporary food delivery system results in loss of many original nutrients; however, the scientists at Faith Meds™ have studied God's natural design for nutrition and developed supplements that make it possible for you to nourish yourself as He intended.

The best part? When God is on your side, you don't need infidel "logic", "methodology."

You know there's always one in every crowd that says, Oh yeah, well if it's so good then PROVE IT! Well, for all the doubters, guess what? That's just what we've done! We took the time to scientifically query past users of Diamaxol™ about their results...

See? PROOF! They asked some people in a sciencelike manner, what they thought about the product they'd taken.

And then the makers of FaithMeds BLEW MY MIND.

We even took it one step further and had an independent lab conduct a clinical study done on 30 diabetic patients...

It's almost like we don't need God at this point.

Oh wait- I forgot about the election. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you'd all better get on your knees and pray for our salvation, because the Macacalypse is here.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

While We're on the Subject

While I like it that the OhMiBod (it's a sex toy; try not to think too much about the name) comes with a splitter, how does one avoid getting tangled in the earbuds?

Guess What?

Monday, November 06, 2006

Monday Morning Memo/Meme: The T.S. Eliot Equation

Spread the word, peoples. Please. As we have previously discussed many, many times here on the Goo, the number of acceptable cats is: one.

Number of acceptable smiley faces in any chat and/or email: zero.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Her Name Was Princess Hansen

These days, you can't listen to an episode of Morning Edition without hearing how traditional media outlets need to innovate to keep up with their ever-evolving audience.

As is generally the case, I have the solution: CONTEST! It worked for the back page of The New Yorker, and lucky winners on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me can get Carl Kasell's voice on their answering machine1 , so it can definitely work for an outlet like the Post or Times.

Here's what I propose- have someone on staff write a plausible but bogus news story every day, then hide it in the paper. Then select a winner and give them a prize, like one of Maureen Dowd's pubic hairs or a rare, first edition, framed apology from Bob Woodward. Sometimes I think this is already going down- if not for the corroboration between different sources, I'd put down some decent cash that the story of Princess Hansen is a hoax.

A couple of years ago, Princess and her friend, Timika Holiday, saw their dealer shoot another guy trying to score some dippers on the cheap.The girls became prime witnesses for the prosecution, which is apparently kind of dangerous when you hang out in the kind of circles where you readily know where to buy dippers at 2 in the morning. In these circles you ostensibly have protection. "Princess wouldn'’t tell [the cops] anything, though, except her reason not to be afraid. 'I have the best pussy in Sursum Corda,' he recounted her saying." Clearly good pussy doesn't have the same cachet it used to, since Princess was murdered, too. Tell me you wouldn't call shenanigans on the City Pages if you didn't see this story elsewhere.

As an alternative to a phony story contest, we could have a contest to decide which outlet tells the better story. For example, let's stick with the same story. Here's the Post's paragraph describing Princess Hanson's purported protection: "At one point, not long before she was killed, she even boasted that her prowess was her ultimate protection."

The Post's wishy-washy summary of a witness substituting the word "prowess" simply canNOT compare to an quote in which the witness actually talks about her pussy. The City Paper definitely has a more Law and Order description of the events.

Holiday had been facing the stairwell door. Now she saw a black boot beneath it. The cops? The door opened, she later testified. It was Ward again, reaching into his coat. He looked hard at Princess, as if to say, '“Get out of the way.'” Then he drew and fired. Evans yelled, Smith fired back, and Holiday ran past the smoking gun into the stairs.

Later, as the crime scene technicians combed the floor for shell casings, with Evans dead under a sheet, Detective Willie Jefferson met Holiday in the lobby six floors down. She was whining; she was nervous; she was scared. She'’d seen the whole thing. She and Princess.

OOOOOOH, sentence fragments! You can almost hear the Guh-GUNK of Dick Wolf's gong- always compelling.

But ultimately, the Post, not withstanding melba toast summaries and "journalistic 2 " tone, wins out for one reason: they published their story later, and so have more juicy tidbits.

A key government witness, despite his residence in a supposedly secure D.C. jail, turned out to have been high on marijuana when he showed up to testify, prompting an unsuccessful defense effort to strike the man's testimony. Judyann Hansen, the victim's mother, drew the judge's attention after she followed a juror home one day after court and introduced herself. Nothing more apparently was said.

And then there was the juror with the interest in numerology. Soon after deliberations began, the woman started talking to her fellow jurors about birth dates and names and colors and the significance of each in predicting the outcome of the case.

Oh yeah, they had a verdict, too, which makes it a sort of legitimate news story. But I don't think that should be taken into account when it comes to getting anything from Maureen Down or Bob Woodward.

1 People stil have those!?!?!?
2read: boring

Friday, November 03, 2006


Finally something to distract me at work. Via Cruel Sommer, make your own Fantasy Congress Team! This will, of course, be the most fun if you add the most debauched and fucked-up members of Congress to your team. I'm a little worried, in fact, that this will skew the election; you know you're gonna vote for the degenerates just to improve your team.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Superlativiest!

Tomorrow night, my friend is hosting a party for all the peoples who are on the shitlist of a certain ex-boyfriend of mine. Best party concept ever.

Also, best post on the interweb tubes today: Verbal enema from Jason Linkins (the DCeiver). I don't care if you don't know who Laura Sessions is, you should still abhor her.

Creepiest but most oddly inventive Halloween Costume: Shrek.

It Just Keeps Coming

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I Have A Little Idol-Worship Crush, So What?

On Sunday morning, I went digging in my bag to find some gum. Instead, I found a Poloroid photo someone had taken of the Object and me in our supremely classy Halloween costumes (neither of us wore our respective Kate-Moss-and-Pete-Doherty-on-a-coke-binge costumes to our work pageants. Wait. Dressing up in costume at work? I got a memo encouraging us to dress up, but to be tasteful. Tasteful Halloween costume? Why even bother?) In the photo, we're not aware of having our picture taken; some stranger just randomly took a Polaroid of us and then surreptitiously slipped it in my purse without stealing anything. Just a little creepy.

Speaking of creepy, I haven't spent all my time since Sunday's Decemberists show obsessing over the Decemberists. I took a little time off yesterday to go see the Tape's N' Tapes show. It would have been one of the best shows of the year if drummer Jeremy Hanson could have kept the beat; at one point Josh Grier (Tapes 1) had to actually count out the beats for him. By the way, Jeremy Hanson looks a lot like Mark from Step-by-Step on the ABC TGIF lineup. All that said, if I suddenly get a plane ticket in the next few days, I will absolutely fly to France to see them play with the Pipettes.

Look: Decemberists! OMG! OMG! (They make me a little gushy and shrieky, ok? Shut the fuck up.)

In other creepy happenings, someone has been actually reading my dreams. Oh, what I would give to have been there? "When he does look up, makes eye contact here or there, it’s a bit startling- the sudden realization that you are in a living room with Colin Meloy and he’s singing just for you?" If forced to have an actual conversation with him, I would probably just whip out a bizarre and nervous catachresic monologue, the likes of which the world has never seen before: "Oh, hi Colin Meloy. So, um, I was on a dirigible, palavering with some crone who tried to convince me that she was the ne plus ultra of socialites when it came to these mucilaginous rugrats surrounding her. But seriously, I love kids. Can I hold Hank?"

It weirds out the sane side of me that the obsessive girl-to-idol crush side of me knows the name of Colin Meloy's baby, as well as the names of the three props he used to bring to all his shows (didn't see EriK, Cheryl, or Maya Angelou the other night at the show... were they there? Did Capitol make them ditch 'em?).

I would have liked also to have been at the Pitchfork interview. Also, I'm going to cry a bit if I don't win the signed Decemberists ukiyo-e print
being given away on a blog the name of which I'm not going to tell you, because you'll go over there and hurt my odds. Seriously, why do you all want to make me cry?

Look! More Decemberists! I just wish Colin Meloy's $300 haircut made him attractive.
Date: 10/3/2006
To: Andy Slater, CEO, Capitol Records
From: Colin Meloy, Decemberists Demiurge
Re: Upcoming Tour

Dear Mr. Slater,
The Decemberists will require the following props and stage accoutrements for its upcoming tour:
  • Twelve oversized red Japanese lanterns
  • One 18'x26' ukiyo-e print depicting The Crane Wife
  • One Lisa Molinaro, complete with banjo, fiddle, keyboards, marimba, vocals, and pretty flowing hair
  • One hurdy-gurdy
  • One recording of Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf, preferably the one with Patick Stewart narrating
  • One pair of baby-sized noise-reducing headphones
  • One introduction from Kristian Foden-Vencil
  • Twelve case per diem of Orangina
  • One Dr. Herring's Brand Dirigible Balloon Repair Patch Kit
  • One copy, Obscure Jazz Jokes and Witty Palaver
I thank you for attending to this matter personally.

Kind Regards,
Colin Meloy

Two Can Play At This Game!

This is my new favorite t-shirt.
I got it at the Argyle Academy, which is my favorite place for all things arty. I bought some original drawings and even got a cup of tasty french press coffee to boot. Art does not get much sweeter than that.