The Goo Report:: The Agony of Decisions Edition

It's been a week full of difficult decisions. No, I'm not talking about giving the worst ultimatum ever ("You can't just give me one option, that's not how it works!"), rather I'm talking about the agony of deciding whether to cheer for Argentina or Germany in the World Cup. Picking a loyalty after the U.S. was booted out by Ghana was easy at first- Italy vs. Australia? No question, Oz all the way- not just cuz we at the Goo are partial to Aus and its supremely awesome denizens (DynoNESS!), but b/c the Italian team is a bunch of shiny, tan, beautiful bastards. As the week progressed, the decisions became more difficult- Germany or Argentina? I mean, if I can't root for Italy, then I can't very well cheer for Argentina, who are shiny, tan, beautiful bastards trying to seem Italian. It's like saying come the next Supreme Court Pep Rally, you wouldn't cheer for Scalia, but you would still cheer for Clarence Thomas. But cheering for Germany is just too easy. Besides, aren't all the Argentian team members of German nationality anyways?

But tomorrow, we are faced with a terrible, decision, one that can only lead to a Phyrric victory. Yes, it's a rematch of eight years ago between France and Brazil.

Now, while we here at the Goo love both France and Brazil, we cannot in good conscience cheer for either team. Don't get us wrong: we love both countries. But cheering for Brazil is as obvious as, well, cheering for Brazil in the World Cup, and I'm mad at France's national team. See, before they won the title in 1998, their team was called Les Coqs- the cocks. After their victory, they realized the euphemistic nature of their nickname and changed it to Les Bleus. First of all, what the hell is a blue? As in a Smurf? I don't get it. Secondly, I find it highly un-French not to embrace the full euphemistic nature of such a team name. But alas, I will cheer for them anyways. Not only because they've been playing extremely well, but also because it'll piss off a LOT of freedom fry-eating jingoists if France wins. And isn't that what the World Cup is all about?

Check out the ten strangest stories surrouding the World Cup.

I feel so bad for the Ukrainian players who can't have sex because they lost.

Fifth sign of the Apocalypse: England drinking Germany dry at the World Cup.

World Cup delays wedding, Briton's patriotism challenged. By the way, why doesn't this bride want to watch the game? Seriously, if I were her husband, I'd be rethinking my life-partner decisions.

The theme of this year's World Cup is "A Time To Make Friends". N.B. That time is suspended when your opponent's national anthem is played.

Here's why Australia is out and France is still in: it's all about the Minogues.

How do coaches survive the agony and the ecstasy?

Empirical Proof: I Am An Idiot!

I did really, really, really well on the LSATs. REALLY well.

But I'm still mopey and bemoaning the fact that I'm an idiot. As it turns out, you can do really well on the LSAT and still get a bad score.

Check it: while taking the test, I had circled problems on the ScanTron answer sheet to go back to. When the proctors started to collect my test, I noticed that I'd forgotten to erase those. Apparently, that makes the ScanTron gods very angry, as all of those answers counted against me- despite the fact that my answer sheet shows them as being the correct answer.

Bruce Arena, I know how you feel.

So this means that unless I can appeal to the kind, beautiful, and fair people of Newtown, Pennsylvania, the dream of law school is drying up like a raisin in the sun.

For the record, after a conversation with a woman in the biz a few weeks ago, I have to say that the career arrow is pointing ever more firmly at publishing. When said bizwoman told me that children's publishing is the "Caribbean of the publishing world", I almost signed up right then and there. I'm at the point where even if I do successfully appeal my score, I don't think that I'm going to law school. Wouldn't you want to work in the Caribbean?

However, the LSAT wasn't all for naught- I can definitely call people out when they make bullshit arguments a LOT better.

So remember kids: to avoid career angst, follow directions! Make sure you erase all stray marks thoroughly!

Sticky Goodness

I apologize fr the paltriness of panda posting. For full updates on Butterstick, who will turn a year old on July 9th (I already have tickets to two panda birthday parties), see the spreads in the June 2006 issue of Smithsonian or the cover story in the latest issue of National Geographic.

He's only cute for so long!

Hitler V. Ann Coulter

See if you can tell the difference: take the test!

Tenterhooks

UPDATE: July 3rd is the magic day.

The LSAT scores come out this week. Probably Friday. So I'm on tenterhooks, the worst feeling ever. I'm not a fan of being on tenterhooks.

But that invites the question, just what the hell are tenterhooks anyways? According to the Exeter City Council, which is British, and therefore must be an Authority on Such Things,

Tenter hooks were L-shaped staples, much like a bent nail, placed at regular intervals on a rectangular wooden tenter frame. When cloth emerged wet from the fulling process it was stretched out on these hooks, preventing it from shrinking as it dried - hence the phrase 'being on tenterhooks'.

So it appears that truly being on tenterhooks is about as much fun as the metaphorical kind.

Just to illustrate:


Yep. Imagine slamming one of those hooks through your brain, and one through your neck; that's about how I feel.

By the way, in an effort to quell some of the rampant douchebaggery, I will not be one of those assholes who posts my score on her blog... plus, I don't want everyone knowing I did poorly, if such is (likely) the case. Oh, and the world does NOT need to know I'm secretly one of those assholes who thinks a 169 is a bad score.

Shenanigans! Shenanigans!

I am calling shenanigans^* on honesty.

I was under the impressions that honesty made one a better person and relieved the burden on one's soul. Apparently, honesty does not get one a glowy feeling of having done good; it gets one a tearful conversation in a cafe during punctuated by dreamatic thunderclaps and heavy rain wherein one forces those she cares about into decisions no one wants to make. SHENANIGANS! SHENANIGANS!

I'm going back to self-delusional bliss.

I would also like to take this opportunity to declare Shenanigans on the makers of my new wallet, which looks like this:



Awesome, right? Except that while walking around in the aforementioned thunderstorm, the new wallet got wet and fell apart. It's two weeks old! Lame.

* An official declaration made by patrons of an establishment who feel they have been cheated. Once a charge of shenanigans has been accepted by an authority figure, said patrons are free to assault the owners of said establishment with brooms.

Ten Reasons I Am Cranky Today

1. Rampant douchebaggery. I swear, it's everywhere, in swimming pools, on buses, in offices, Everywhere! In a fine example, on the bus this morning, there was an open seat in between two obese people. As I started to wedge myself in between the two, and thereby make room an an already overcrowded bus, the man occupying a seat and a half told me I couldn't sit there because I didn't fit.

"Excuse me, but did you pay for two seats?" I asked, incredulously.

"No, but that doesn't mean you can sit there," He replied.

"Look, you paid for one seat, so that's what you get to sit in, and unless you're going to go and pay to take up two seats, you have no right to prevent me from sitting here." When the man made no move to go pay the extra fare, I wedged my little ass (which Scourge of the Swimming Pool once described as that of a ten-year-old boy) in the seat and took my time getting comfortable.

Now, before you all cry that I'm insensitive here, we at the Goo find all shapes and sizes beautiful. That doesn't mean that you have the right to take up more than your fair share of space.

2. Lack of sunshine. While I thank the weather gods for sending us rain and gorgeous thunderstorms that nicely complemented this past weekend's generally cranky mood at the Goo, I could really use a little sunshine. I'm at the point where I cry when I hear Louisiana by The Walkmen.

3. While this may be filed under rampant douchebaggery, Italy beat Australia. By the way, this World Cup has already set the record for most fouls handed out, and there are still 12 games left.

4. Someone took my milk that was in the refrigerator at work. I was going to drink it with a cookie. Now the cookie is worthless. WORTHLESS!

5. I got a temp, which is good, as now I can blog instead of working, but she's overly chatty.

6. Boys who slip the tongue. Ewwwwwwwwww!

7. I still want the cookie and milk, but refuse to buy a new carton of milk on principle. By the way, stores now require that you pay with money, so the principle option is out.

8. You didn't get that joke, did you? Hmph.

9. I am NOT on the beach in Guatemala, unlike SOME people. Most of whom are Guatemalans.

10. I am not sitting at home in my papasan chair, and thus unable to fully wallow in my cranky mood.

UPDATE: While at lunch (which was, admittedly, delicious, and it rained only when I stepped into Java Green and stopped before I wanted to leave), I thought of FOUR more reasons to be grumpy:

11. I have a toothache in a tooth in which I had a root canal, which should not be possible

12. They were out of cookies and milk at the cafe where I ate

13. People ALWAYS stop their cars in the damn crosswalk here, which pushes the pedestrians into traffic.

14. Why does toenail polish have to be SO damn difficult to put on? (Shut up, Dynoness).

I did also notice that I have a tendency to post about my grumpy moods, but not as much when I'm in a sunny mood. This is because the sunny mood is generally my default, whereas the grumpiness is an anomoly. I will keep you all posted as to when the sunny mood returns, since I know you're all waiting with bated breath.

According to Study, Girls Rule, Boys Drool

From today's Post:

A study to be released today looking at long-term trends in test scores and academic success argues that widespread reports of U.S. boys being in crisis are greatly overstated and that young males in school are in many ways doing better than ever.

The article goes on to state that while boys are doing better in school, girls are doing a LOT better in school, which may have been the impetus for the "crisis" rhetoric, which seems to derive from inadequate research, sloppy analysis and discomfort with the fact that although the average boy is doing better, the average girl has gotten ahead of him."

So apparently, girls rule, and boys can't seem to handle the fact.

However, according to the Post, "Some of today's focus on boys might be backlash to legal remedies such as the 1972 Title IX law set up to ensure equality in education for girls, critics say." Look, such recidivism isn't going to get anyone very far, as it merely allows one group to advance at the expense of another.

There are still disturbing trends in education, which deal with (this one's going to shock you) disparity in socio-economic levels, i.e. children from historically disadvanteged backgrounds are not progressing as rapidly as their white peers from higher income levels. Huh. I guess that means the U.S. education policy needs to be renamed "No Child Left Behind (except the brown and/or poor ones)".

Shoes I Will NOT Be Buying

1. I refuse to pay $200 for Barbie's Wallabies.

2 As for the shoes on the right, if you saw off part of the heel and make these monochromatic, these are the EXACT same shoes Sister Ruella, the nun in charge of my old horsebackriding program, wore. They look much better with a riding crop and an expression of reprimand. For the record, these shoes costs upwards of $600.

Goo Report: The Salty and Crunchy Edition

My new favorite phrase is "These are salty and crunchy!" Last week, I went to a party hosted by the family of a friend. As is wont to happen after a few drinks at such events, famillial squabbling broke out. One member of the family looked sharply at me, the only non-family member present, and asked my opinion on the subject in question, as though he expected me to land the decisive blow on his side. I have a firm policy of not getting involved in familial entanglements, and so sat there with a blank look on my face, wracking my alcohol-addled brain for some way of finagling out of an answer.

"Are these those lime Tostidos?" I asked.

My incredibly gracious hosts rescued me. "They are; aren't they fabulous?!" the hostess quickly jumped in. Her husband picked up a chip, looking at it incredulously. He took a bite and proclaimed in amazement, "these are salty and crunchy!" That is what the French mean by politesse.

It's Friday; onto the the Goo Report!

Woman finds bear in her house, eating oatmeal. Bear pleads not guilty to breaking and entering, saying in his defense "She made it just right! How come Godlilocks got away with it? My ursine people will not let this rest until the double standard is erased and justice is served. "

I guess we're not so much winning the war on terror... Fortunately, it looks like the terrorists aren't really trying that hard.

Man sends tarantula to colleague- he didn't even use interoffice mail!

More panda cuteness... if only they stayed little!

Whoa. Here's a decent reason to have kids... still not compelling enough for me, though.

Maybe these parents nicked money from their kids' piggy banks to pay for their pot.

This story profoundly saddens me, but also makes me wonder how big the puppy was, and if the woman really expected to do any damage? Also, I'm a little sad that the focus of the story is on the crazy woman, not the shitty breeder.

Here's a story that needs to be made into an episode of Law & Order.

As if it weren't hard enough to get a prom date...

IFor the last several weeks, lamenting how few animals in funny costumes there are on the interwebs. Sure, you've got Bee Dogs, the premier online repository for pictures of dogs in bee costumes, but where are the inguanas dressed up like ex-presidents? Well, turns out, you don't actually need a costumes to enjoy dress-up playtime with kitty. By the way, note the expressions of distate on each cat's face- sheer hatred of owners whose only good judgement was getting a cat. Poor kitties. I think a Comrade Kitties calendar, with kitties dressed up like little peasants, toiling in the litter mines of the Gulag would be so much better.

At a high school graduation last week I was shocked to hear what was, without exception, the best commencement speech I've ever heard. Having first sat through the class president’s 10 minute demonstration of her thesaurus skillz¹, I had little hope for the future of the Class of 2006. But then, as the sun set softly in the distance and proud New Jersey mothers took not-so clandestine swigs from their hip flasks, the class salutatorian took the podium and urged his fellow classmates to go forth in the world and be pirates (not coincidentally, the school’s mascot). According to this young man, the pirate way is the way forward for the obvious reasons - fancy clothes, booty, a life of adventure on the high seas- and also more subtle reasons –individual freedom coupled with the privileges, rights, and responsibilities of being such a badass character. In other words, one can be a democrat without hugging trees, and one can be a republican without kicking puppies. Not a bad way to live- maybe the unkicked puppies can hug the lonely trees!

However, today, via Sploid, an article in the Sunday Herald decries the historical inaccuracies rampant in such romanticization of pirates. The article and commentary both argue that in romanticizing the pirate lifestyle, we do a disservice to the historical record. They then further that tired old argument that if we emulate bad people in history, we will be bad people. According to the Sploid article,

Through such swashbuckling whitewashes, children haven't learned about the widespread homosexuality and cruel disciplinary techniques of the pirates. Another problem is that pirates generally refused to honor any nation's laws and actually laughed in a boisterous fashion at attempts to impose rule on pirate strongholds.

First of all, let's just get it out of the way: widespread homosexuality isn't a problem, so quit pretending it is. What's gonna happen - more people wear pink? In that case, widespread little-girliness is also a serious societal problem.

Next, cruel disciplinary techniques? Fuck, if kids wanted to learn that, they'd just pay attention to their parents. Pretend you're a kid who just said a dirty word ². Would you rather walk the plank or be grounded? EASY CHOICE! I seem to remember being grounded for the majority of high school, and I would have much rather walked the plank- preferably with a wisecracking parrot who would say all that I secretly wanted to mouth off. It probably would have gotten me out of the house, too.

The Herald takes it from there:, "As anyone who met them found out, the real pirates of the Caribbean were sea-borne thugs who thought nothing of murder, torture and rape." Whoa. If you can show me the historian who can prove that a person genuinely thought nothing about x, y, and z, I will personally put her in the Wikipedia as the solver of the postmodern crisis. Murder, torture, and rape aren't inherent aspects of piracy- they're simply incidental. Allthat's really necessary in order to be a pirate is selfishness and a desire to get what you want. It's this quality of selfishness around which the pirate legend has remained so appealing throughout the centuries.

Polite society dictates that one not be selfish; in the pirate moral code, it's requisite. Little Skylar in Montessori isn't pretending to be a pirate so that he can rape girls in his class. He might just want people not to tell him what to do all the time. The Herald traces the roots of pirate lore, and considering the overwhelming success of the legend to this day³, little Skylar isn't the only one manifesting his secret desires to eschew polite society through acting like a pirate.

The Sploid commentary concludes, "If the truth about pirates isn't told, American kids will likely grow up to be sociopaths who gleefully break the law, steal vast treasures and torture their captives, experts say." Are we really doing a disservice to the historical record? The article never establishes such a cause and effect relationship between the romanticizing of pirates and loss of accuracy in the historical record. On the contrary, the addition of such romance can provide a means of bringing the curious person to scholarship. It certainly worked for me - I don't really know that much about pirates, but I read the article because I’ve always thought they're kinda cool. Most history intended for kids comes packaged as the boring story of the white man's pursuit - hardly an accurate historical portrayal. Why not have some fun on your way to historical discovery? Do you really think the historians quoted in the Herald read an article in a historacademic journal and then decided to become pirate scholars? Hellz no! They probably went to some parties dressed up like pirates and scored some chicks and booze⁴.

So how should we instill curiosity in our kids? Well, duh, let them explore their curiosity. Let them dress up like pirates. Look, being a pirate is only a slightly more viable career option than caveman, Tyrannosaurus Rex, princess, or my childhood preference, a cow⁵, so I wouldn’t worry too much about what effect it’s going to have on our little friend Skylar’s law school application. And, obviously, there are limits to curiosity- if little Skylar wants the L'il Fuhrer Kristallnacht Playset, it's time to have a little chat with him. You can accuse me of playtime relativism, but think about it: hatred of certain social groups is inherent to Nazi philosophy - you cannot be a Nazi and like Jews. But the pirate legend allows you to have your lesson and wear an eye patch too- just because you're a pirate doesn't mean you have to rape, pillage, and torture. It allows for it, sure, but it doesn't require it; that's a LOT of personal freedom and responsibility, which should delight all the non-puppy-kicking, tree-hugging Republicans the speaker referenced. Both of them.

Our story has a sad ending, as the salutatorian is bound for Yale at the end of summer. There, he will join the ranks of the other Handsome Dan acolytes whilst preparing for a life of adulthood keeping up with the Ivy League Joneses. For the difficult life ahead of him, I have only one hope - that every now and then, he might take time to stop and reflect on pirate riddles for sophisticates. Maybe even pen a few of his own.


1."Sunkissed tans"? Really, what other kinds of tans are there?

2. Not a problem if you're a pirate.

3.Do you already have tickets to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Me too!

4. It's how they should have chosen their careers.

5. At various points in my childhood, I also wanted to be a Catholic priest, a velociraptor, and, natch, a pirate.

Ghana-rhea

My roommate is out of town, an her cat is sick¹. I have to take care of it, which means I have to stay at home and watch the U.S.-Ghana World Cup game.

Even though the game is over, no one wants to talk about it, since they're not at home, nor taking care of their roommate's sick cat. It's killing me! This is definitely worse than the reading the last Harry Potter book before everyone else.




1. Don't you wish you lived in a country where "The World Cup game is on" is a valid reason not to go to work?

Finally, Someone Thought Of The Children

June is National Safety Awareness Month, which should relieve children at day camp everywhere.

See, when one "fluffs"(my favorite euphemism for passing gas), a person nearby subjected to the harmful fumes can declare Doorknob. Under this policy, until the fluffer touches a doorknob, he can be punched by the Doorknob declarer. This is especially torturous at summer camp, as there are very naturally occuring doorknobs.

However, one can avoid the barrage of hurt by preemptively declaring Safety. I would assume that since June is Safety Awareness Month, kids are free from noogie harm for the whole month. Yes, a whole month in which a child never has to suffer for his flatulence. Isn't this a lot more useful than Math Month?

It's Coming!

I'm BACK from LSAT hell! I took a few days off to recuperate; the full report is forthcoming. In the meantime, enjoy this little gem: MacGyver half-naked and dubbed into Spanish.

Brought To You By the Letter C

This is how I feel today:


And this is what I want:



I want not only the cookie, but also the monster backup singers.

The Goo Report: The Time is a Wastin'

Greetings from Crunch-timeland! With one more or less one week untill the LSAT, we're bringing you a very special edition of the Goo Report... a teaser edition to whet your appetite for the return of Poofygoo! We promise, as soon as the g.d. test is done, Poofygoo will be back up and running, and better than before- get stoked!

This week's Goo Report is dedicated to the hottest woman in all of climbing, Dynoness, who celebrated her birthday this week. Fuck yeah! In honor of her birthday, I bring you the Muppet Babies theme song, recreating the first time we met, got bombed, and sang theme shows from saturday morning cartoons. Best foundation for a friendship EVER!

Got meat? Then no house for you! Another reason why India rocks.

The Catholic Church has been having trouble with email blockers.

It turns out Jesus was a really narly dude who got totally stoked about a rad wave.

Via Pygmalion in a Blanket, a fantastic story about "Church and State" on the DC metro.

Also via Pygmalion in a Blanket, the most fun word game I've seen in a while. It's certainly better than the picnic game.

As long as we're talking about neologisms, check out one of my favorite sites, word spy, for the latest in new words. Secretly, I wish they would credit me sometimes... Scourge of the Swimming Pool informs me that last night he heard some independent third party refer to her dinner companion as "Laughy McLaugherson". Seriously, I need to trademark this stuff.

Have we talked about this before? I HATE those ubiquitous white iPod headphones, not only because they don't fit, but their ostentatiousness just screams, "MUG ME!!!" As it turns out, I'm right.

Are you rockin the face? You're just SO not OG.

OK, this is the last Goo Report for another few weeks (again, I know), cuz next week will be crunchign for the LSATs, and the next week after that, I'll be doing this:

Beacon of Hope!

I knew there was a reason I maybe possibly played with the idea of maybe thinking about wanting to go to law school: to write articles about the legality of "fuck"!

"The intersection of the word fuck and the law is examined in four major areas: First Amendment, broadcast regulation, sexual harassment, and education. The legal implications from the use of fuck vary greatly with the context. To fully understand the legal power of fuck, the nonlegal sources of its power are tapped. Drawing upon the research of etymologists, linguists, lexicographers, psychoanalysts, and other social scientists, the visceral reaction to fuck can be explained by cultural taboo. "

I do believe this is the best study motivator of all time.